i bounced

i haven't gone running for over a month now. i started getting shin splints--which was a major ticker offer annoyance because i didn't do anything that could have caused it. you can get it from running harder and increasing your milage. hello. i ran a marathon. then i decreased my milage to a bare minimum and have done nothing more. something is just not right. anyways that's when i started bouncing. now i don't go for runs, i go for bounces. mom gave me her kangoo jumps and i must say i find it quite enjoyable. i get a few looks--but hey, that could just be my morning glow and not my footwear. my legs don't hurt at all when i'm using them and for some reason it is just easier to get out the door.
today i am feeling a little pleased with myself. i had some one on one time with michealah. i have felt that it was needed for a long time but i just didn't know how to do it. i just don't get to see her very much. back when brent worked in vancouver they used to take turns staying up with me but the other one always cried and missed her sister and felt left out of whatever we were doing. and that just seemed to be defeating the purpose (to make them feel unique and special to me) so i stopped doing that. eventually i thought of using brent and so today brent took nat out to buy a flower and planted it. (i have to admit though it was hard to let go of the control of my garden) and played with the letters with her. mic and i practiced her math flash cards, played math wars and go fish with them and then painted her nails. of course i had to do nats as well after. mic kept saying 'this is fun' so i feel successful. hopefully we can keep up this tradition.

save the last dance for me

today while i was making dinner brent came home and downloaded "save the last dance for me." he said that he heard it earlier today and that it reminded him of me. brent doesn't usually say such things and so it surprised me a little....actually quite a bit. it is so not his style and probably by tomorrow he'll deny ever saying it or downloading the song. i didn't get at first why it would make him think of me until i remembered the last gold n green ball. one of the williams' boys asked me to dance and brent reacted kind of funny. he was all apologizing for not dancing with me. he admitted that that is the reason why he thought of me with this song. silly boy. i asked, 'so it's ok if i let them hold me tight?' he said no rather emphatically. haha.
today we barbecued a roast. i didn't want to barbecue it but brent was in a barbecueing mood so i relented. it was ok, but it would have been better cooked in the crock pot. finally it is warm! yay!

i love sundays. funny, it seemed a year ago that one (namely karen) would be hard-pressed to find me in a good mood on sundays. i would always be filled with an angry, impatient sort of spirit at church. i don't even really know where it would come from--except for maybe not having enough time to prepare for church. but lately they have been just what they should be. today i feel as if a huge heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders. it is amazing. where did it go? i just felt so light happy and full of love for the people around me. i wish that i could feel like this all the time.
we invited deb brooks over for dinner. we had spaghetti, which for most people i feel comfortable serving, but this was deb. she has had us over for some truly amazing dinners and all we made when she came over is spaghetti. just spaghetti. no salad. no garlic bread. and plain chocolate cake for dessert. by plain i mean no icing on it. i felt a little sheepish having her over for such a meal. but of course she was very gracious. "i love spaghetti" she said emphatically. she is a very nice person. i don't know how she always seems to know something that our family needs and just gives it to us. she has good intuition i guess. i've been told that she likes me and i've heard of some of the nice things she's said about me and i'm always surprised. how have i caught her notice like that? brent loves bugging her. he is quite good at it. well...that's it. i hope you all had a good sunday.

the weakest link

tonight was the dreaded elder's quorum activity. dreaded because i was asked to participate in the game which was the weakest link. i did not want to do it. i hate being in those kind of situations--centre of attention type--especially when it involves competition--extra especially when it is a competition that involves church knowledge. i just can't help it if i know that stuff and i don't feel it is something to show off--which is something i always feel wary of in this ward for some reason. maybe it was because of attending institute classes on the book of mormon and dad was the teacher and i always knew all the answers and i don't like being a know-it-all. i agreed to do it because...i guess the idea of saying no didn't really seem like an option (but that just goes into my people pleasing problems and is a whole different entry in and of itself). but like i said earlier i really really did not want to be in it. the other contestants were tracy, michelle meade, tom the new guy from parksville, darrel walburger, deb brooks, susan, dad, paul meade, the bishop and myself. (delanie was also supposed to be in it but she was a no show--apparently she didn't really want to do it....ok...who did want to do it?) i asked everyone to vote me off, except for maybe tom the new guy. paul did and then he felt bad. "really it is ok. i really don't mind" i insisted, but he wouldn't do it. the bishop flatly refused and said he wanted to be the first to go. he was worried about being embarrassed. everytime it was my turn to answer the questions i got nervous. i did not want to look dumb--they weren't all church questions. so long story short (ok so it is not so short, but i'm not giving you the play by play am i?) i made it to the final 2. there was no strategy to my playing other than trying to get voted off. i voted for darrel twice hoping that he would seek revenge. instead he was voted the weakest link. and then i voted for dad--just because. i didn't think he was the weakest link and no one had voted for him, so i did. and he was voted off. i felt bad. he looked a little sad. anyways, i made it to the final 2. this was a disaster. how could everyone let me down like this? now i had to go head to head with deb brooks for 5 questions in front of everyone. and then we were tied and had to continue on. aaahhh! it was tortuous. in the end i lost which is actually good. (because of the whole know-it-all-clarke thing) and i got a pretty cool prize. i got a camel back. apparently it is a pretty good one. so hopefully i will like running with it. tomorrow we will have mary and madelaine for the whole day. madelaine i am used to. it is beginning to be a regular weekend thing. mary i am just not sure about. when dough asked me my first question was is she toilet trained? which really shouldn't be part of the issue, but the learning stage is just bad and i have to say i don't like taking kids on during that time....or the diaper stage if we are going to be perfectly honest. changing other kids poo is just gross. but i've come to really like having madelaine over. after i threatened that if nat was unhappy mad would go home, things changed and when i make them clean their room she is really good at it. things get done much quicker. well, it is another late night. i better go lie in my bed and think now.

i feel like it is time to update, but nothing is coming to my mind. my life is just not interesting. i need an outlet, but i just feel like i'm supposed to keep this to myself. i am not getting enough sleep. i stay up too late avoiding thinking about stuff. sometimes i wish i could just disappear into some sort of fantasy world where everything turns out right and i only have to watch or read and not do anything to make things unfold. i feel poised on the brink of big changes in my life and i'm just not sure if i should turn and run or jump in. the pressure to be who people think i am is overwhelming. how did i give them that impression? i'm just not that good and when i stay up late i'm even worse. my poor kids pay the price. arrgh! ok. enough reflection. i better get busy and distract myself.

last night i slept like a geisha

i had been having a yearning to have sarah do my hair--not cut or colour it, but do something with it--like give me a cool updo. so on sunday i mentioned that to her and it turned out her class this week was all about updos for prom. they were supposed have their clients come in and do a run through so there would be no surprises for prom night. and in typical jerkish fashion, sarah did not get booked. it really bugs me how she is treated there. but this time, it kind of worked to my advantage because sarah got to get her own model to practice on, and i was the chosen one. i got there a few minutes late and sarah was busy working on someone else. turns out that one of the stylists thought he could order her around and have her set one of his clients like she is some sort of subservient. they just don't deserve to have her there. anyways, sarah gave me a pretty cool updo and then i went home. it seemed like a waste to just go to bed when my hair looked so fancy, but there was nothing else to do so i slept geisha style and i think it was preserved. it is a little fuzzy but nothing that i little gel can't fix. so yeah...that is my interesting post...

the weekend

i've had a pretty busy/hectic weekend, but it has been mostly in a good way. a friend of mine from my long lost ysa days was visiting nanaimo. tania (was iwaasa but now is) armstrong. her brother was my district leader in my first area and my japanese companion had a crush on him, so he was soon transferred away. anyways, she married bob armstrong--marlene armstrong's son and they were in town for a visit. it was really nice seeing her and being updated on all my old friends. i found out about junko and herb. junko married derrick mc...... and lives in richmond. laura could you please please pleeeeassse get me her phone number? tania has 3 kids and the oldest one is just one month younger than nat so we met up at the park one day and on friday i picked mic up from school and met tania at the pool. (turns out that mic's ballet teacher that she has had for the last 3 years is bob's sister and an inactive member. i was so surprised! she knew i was a member and she never let on.) we stayed at the pool for over 3 hours. then we rushed home and got there just before brent got there. after brent had cleaned up--and by cleaned up i mean cleaned himself--we dropped the girls off at the meades to watch narnia and have a "half sleepover." we had a brief stopover at quizno's and then rushed off to port alberni. we were supposed to be there by 6 and brent didn't even get home until 5 so we had to hustle. brent had packed up the laptop for me to play with and watch a movie but i couldn't. the roads were just to windy: i felt sick. about half way there i confirmed to brent "you know how to get there right?" "no. i haven't been there since i was 16" (this actually wasn't true--he had gone there on a high counsel assignment) "well, i've never been there. how are we supposed to get there?" he handed me the phone and said call someone. i didn't know really who to call because jord and tracy had already left so i called dad. needless to say we didn't get very good directions and brent drove aimlessly around alberni. maybe he was hoping he would remember something--i don't know. it was frustrating because it started at 7 and i was worried we would miss it and we weren't getting anywhere. so then brent makes me call the chapel and ask for audrey to get directions. well i'm waiting for someone to find audrey, brent finds it and tells me to hang up. the alberni ward was hosting a festival of choirs and had invited a bunch of choirs from other churches. it was quite interesting. the catholic choir consisted of about 7 very elderly people. and another choir was 6 old ladies. in one choir the song kept repeating thank God i'm not....not what i used to be and the people would close their eyes and raise one hand up in the air. brent says that they do that to share the feeling they have with everyone else--sort of like an antenna. i know that i could be a little biassed but i think our choir had the best songs. audrey is really good at that sort of thing. we were the only other lds choir besides alberni ward's. the building was packed and probably 10 or more choirs sang. last of all, all the choirs sang together a song called the alleluia fugue. it was quite a powerful thing to be a part of. at the end there was a presenation for all the choir directors. someone in the back stood up and yelled "give God thanks" i heard a couple amens but after asking him to repeat himself the people conducting the meeting just continued on. afterall, we were just about to have a closing prayer and all the songs were also about praising and thanking the Lord. i just thought it was very presumptuous and rude of him to think he needed to correct the church in which he was a guest and to tell them how to do things. but who knows, maybe that is how things are done in his church. afterwards we snagged a few refreshments and then went home. i don't think it was the most fun date night especially for brent and actually, i'm surprised he went for it. the next morning mom phoned and invited us over for a pancake breakfast. as most of you know this is rather uncharacteristic of mom but eugene and kathy were visiting and she wanted some kids to come over to help them have fun. we stayed there for a few hours. it has been a long time since i have seen them, but they looked pretty much the same. they have a girl the same age as mic and an 11 year old that wasn't much taller than mic (they actually have the same name) that loves to play with little kids so she kept nat happy. they wanted to go to the pool. i was not really for this activity seeing as i spent all afternoon there the day before, but we ended up going. we didn't stay for as long, but the girls and i had fun. brent refused to swim with us. he slept in the van most of the time. too bad for him. he missed out and it bugs me that he can be so stubborn about such things. the girls aren't going to be like this for long. after swimming we were soo exhausted and hungry. we got pizza and put the girls to bed and then brent went to bed. i stayed up watching gilmore girls. i laughed outloud when they were arguing about who had bigger boobs. andrea was just like lauralei in this one: in denial. this morning brent got up before me. i can't remember the last time that has happened--especially on a sunday. but he got up and made the dough for the buns we're supposed to bring for potluck. we had to make a lot of buns. it isn't the normal sunday for potluck but mom did it because of eugene and kathy. we are having one again next week just for the twins birthday. talk about spoiled. laura, you should tell mom you are coming home 2 weeks after that for your birthday and see if she does a potluck for you. so it has been busy and now i'm at home thinking about the week ahead and i feel a weight. responsibilities can be so heavy.

nat-shabat: out of the mouth of babes...

these are a couple conversations that nat had when i was not there with a friend of mine who is taking the discussions but not progressing a whole lot.
nat: i'm my mommy's baby
erin: yeah. do you think your mommy's going to have another baby?
nat: yeah, but i'm excited for your baby. have you askedHeavenly Father to help you? Heavenly Father can help you have a baby.
(erin and joe have been unsuccessfully trying for over a year to have a baby--something that nat does not know)
nat: i want to show you something but my mommy said i have to stay in my chair.
erin: why don't you show me and then get back in your chair.
nat: ok.
she then got down from her chair and knelt down in front of erin. bowing her head and closing her eyes she said:
nat: this is how you talk to Heavenly Father. dear Heavenly Father, please help erin and joe to have a baby...
she proceded to say a prayer
nat: that is how to talk Heavenly Father. will you try it?
erin told me it was so beautiful she almost started crying. the next day nat said this to her:
nat: my dad told me that you can't live with Jesus and Heavenly Father unless you are baptized
(brent had taught her primary class and it was about baptism)
erin: i'm not baptized
nat: gasp...well you know what to do about that

in memory of last conference

i googled mic's name (because it has a unique spelling) to see if it showed one of my blogs. nope. it does show 3 of laura's though--one of them is a molly's life one. the same thing has been true with some of your nicknames--especially beth's. it makes me a little nervous. so much has been happening and so little is inspiring me to write about. we bought a laptop. this does not make me feel good. in fact it makes me feel ill. can we afford a laptop??! NO! do we need a laptop? not until september. it is required for brent's course he is taking then. there was no talking sense to the guy. he found the laptop he wanted and insisted it was a good deal and he would never find anything better and he could get the software from the school early and start playing around with it now blah blah blah blah. i never fell for it--not one little bit. why is it that i always cave? he just persists and bugs and pouts until i finally give in. and i was sooo determined not to give in this time because it is really something i am against. we went to future shop just so he could show me the laptop--he wasn't trying to push me to buy it at that moment and the salesguy worked his magic and now we have a laptop. and now i have to start at scratch at saving some money to pay for mic's ballet. ballet season is almost over and i still haven't paid for it. arrrggh!
on other news...i went to a piano concert tonight at the port theatre. we had really good seats--6 rows back and right in line with his hands. it was interesting but somewhat torturous. torturous because i can't sit still. i think it is a skirt thing. i cross one leg then i cross the other then i cross at the ankles--back to crossing one leg etc. i swear nobody else in front of me or beside moved a muscle during these really long pieces he was playing. how do they do it? it was interesting to see his facial expressions and apparently he sang along as he played--but i couldn't hear it. for one song he actually pounded the piano with his fist repeatedly. he really played with expression. does everyone get a standing ovation these days? it seems like it to me...as well as an encore performance. it has become the norm. well i've got to get to bed so that i'll make it for my run tomorrow morning.

i heard this song and it really captured how i feel about my girls:

Every night i kneel beside you
and whisper in your dreams
and tell you just how much i love you
just how much you mean
then you grow older before my eyes.

Every morning you stand before me
and welcome me inside
that world of yours that's ever changing.
a lifetime of surprise

And there you stand, the boy i love
just like you are, just like i love.
Say goodbye to the boy of yesterday
and goodnight to the little things that we once knew.
Then say good morning to you.

Everyday my love grows stronger,
but like the river's song,
whispering that i can't stay longer
it's time to move along
and say goodbye a million times.

For here you sleep
this child i love.
Say goodbye to yesterday,
and goodnight to the little things that we once knew
I'll love the man that tomorrow brings
by saying goodbye to the boy i love today

by john canaan

that last line is the hardest for me. my girls are so precious and i just wish they would stay like this forever. i wish that i could just have this time permanently etched in my mind. i try, but the memories still slip away. i can remember some things about michealah and some of her cute quirky things that she did when she was 4 but the 7 year old michealah has replaced the 4 year old. she promised me she would stay 4. in some ways i wish she could have. i remember when she was a baby i would look at her in the mirror as i carried her asleep to bed and i was always struck by how fast she was growing--by how far her legs hung down. now if i were to carry her, her legs wouldn't be all that far off the ground! i hate how busy we get living our lives and getting things done that we take the people around us that we love for granted. i mourn for those lost opportunities.

i finally did it

i have a very sore butt. that is because it is thursday. thursday is one of my weight training days. so is tuesday. my butt wouldn't be sore if i actually went and did weights every thursday. fact is i haven't gone since november. fact is i took being pregnant as a good excuse to stop going. fact is i could never motivate myself to go. fact is, marilla, that i needed karen to get me to finally go. so i finally got someone to go with me so that i would not be able to back out. funny, even as i was making the "appointment" i was thinking in my head 'noooo i don't want to go' so today i finally went and i already have a sore butt. all the running i have done could not have saved me. speaking of behinds and running, nat asked me why people's bums move when they walk. then she demonstrated to me a hip-swaying kind of walk. i write a lot about my exercise...i wonder why. today was the enrichment relief society party. we were all supposed to bring a 5 dollar or less gift that reflected one of our talents. i thought about this for some time and couldn't think of anything to bring. i don't have one of those outward types of talents--like sewing or knitting or scrapbooking or being crafty at all. sure, i run, but what can one bring related to that? a bottle of yucky gatorade? so i struggled. i asked brent and he was no help at all. then today i called delanie to see what she was bringing...and then i remembered that i can speak a second language. how is it possible that i could spend sooo much time developing this talent and then completely forget it? i guess it is because i don't use it. that talent is covered with dust in some back closet. i wish i could use it more. now i'm so rusty that i have little confidence when talking to someone. i always think that they must be thinking...why is she trying? i would understand her better in english...haha maybe i think that way because i would often think that in japan. i hated it when people would speak to me in their broken english. (once i knew japanese that is) i think i took it as a bit of an insult that they thought they needed to use english--that my japanese wasn't good enough. then on the other hand, i hated it when missionaries said i was a good missionary because i was so good at japanese. i wanted to be a good missionary for other reasons--speaking the language well does not make you a good missionary. i miss japan. i want to go back. if brent got a good job there i would really consider it. this is the longest i have been away. i wish it wasn't so hard to go there.

"if you don't find it in the index, look very carefully throughout the entire calalog"

that is from the sears roebuck catalog which is quoted in the sisterhood of the traveling pants. at the beginning of every chapter there are little quotes and that one just hit my funny bone. i stayed up waaaay too late last night reading the book. i kept saying 'just one more chapter' but it just didn't work that way. when i went to bed (there were no more chapters, if you know what i mean) i encountered the laundry basket full of clothes, or more importantly brent's work pants that needed to be washed and dried before work the next morning. arrgggg! i had totally forgotten about them! originally when i had seen how late it was, i had decided that it was too late for me to get up early for my run, but now i had to choose: stay up now and wait for the washer to finish and throw his pants in the dryer or get up early for my run and do it then. i opted for the getting up early--hoping that i would actually be able to just go back to sleep. i really did sincerely try. i hardly opened my eyes as i transferred the laundry to the dryer, kept all the lights off etc, but it was no use. i was awake. so i succumbed to my wakefulness and went for my run. you'd think that getting way too little sleep would affect my run, but that just isn't how it works. in fact i think i clocked my fastest time ever for 3 miles. the lack of sleep will just affect the rest of my day. i feel sluggish now. it is such a beautiful morning. that is partially to account for my not being able to sleep in. i just can't sleep when it is sunny and the birds are singing. the neighbour who always takes mic to school wasn't there this morning. hello! thanks for the warning! so nat got dressed in record time and the girls rode their bikes to school. i pretty much pushed nat the whole way becuase she just can't ride fast enough yet on her new little bike. but all that was ok because it was beautiful and sunny out and in spite of my lack of sleep, my head couldn't help but fill with the possibilities on such a day. there is much to do and i have to figure out how to cook a whole chicken so that it won't be yucky to brent and me who only eat boneless skinless chicken breast....is it possible? we shall see. gotta go.

ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAREN!!!!

i love spring break! i really think that i enjoy and appreciate it more now than i did when i went to school. it has just been so nice to not have to go any where and to have mic home all day. i've had a lot less nat time because she doesn't need me when she has mic. but i've had mic time during nat's naps. i just feel like we've bonded a lot this week. i made a list of chores that needed to be done and the girls each picked one a day. they were actually excited to do them--except that they had to clean their room first. it really has been helpful. it just feels like there isn't enough time to give mic chores when she is at school. 3 out of the five days she doesn't get home until almost 5 and i just want her to have down/play time. she still has to eat dinner and do at least 20 minutes of homework before bed at 7:30. and that isn't counting working on her math with her. is it just me or is she just too crazy busy? she is only 7 afterall. anyways...only a few more months until summer holidays. except for after that nat will be going to school too. we went swimming for family home evening. it was really fun. usually when we go to the pool i can't wait for the time to pass so we can go but we all had a good time. maybe because the girls are getting older. mic wanted to go down the slide but brent insisted that he was too big and that he gets stuck. he would not hear me at all when i told him he was thinking of the other pool. after a rather roomy ride down where i sat up the whole time i convinced him to come up and he went up really reluctantly. he ended up really liking it. then another night brent made popcorn and we all watched a movie together. i guess it doesn't sound like that much but we were just able to be all together a lot--even brent because he actually was home at the same time every evening. yes. for those of you that haven't heard yet, brent is not working for stoneart any more. mic is reading this right now and she said "he isn't?" so it isn't necessary a well-known fact. so we are back to square one with what brent is going to be when he grows up. aaaahhh! grow up already! well maybe we are not at square one, we are at square 2. right now he is thinking of going back to school and getting an advanced diploma...but i just don't want anymore student loan debt! so we'll see. the police thing still looks good to me. it just seems more secure and more immediate..but it doesn't use his education.
i have a problem: when i see dvds on sale i can hardly resist buying them. if it is one i like and it is on sale--we're talking 10 bucks or less it takes a great deal of will power to walk away and then the deals still haunt me and i consider going back to go get them. it just seems more worth my while to buy then to pay to rent one. but i am amassing too many dvds as of late--because i found mtm sells them really cheap. well this is really taking the form of a long rambling, so i'm going to stop.

last weekend brent and i went to the temple with laura. laura gave up driving with her friends and being with them in the temple to take brent and me. we went over to vancouver friday night and so we got to see a bit of the "big city." brent wanted to go out to eat there so we made sure we caught an early enough ferry. then when it was time to choose where to go he was all non-committal and without a care where we went...or so he said. so, having read so many accounts of laura's yummy outings, i chose thai. brent still attempted to put up the front of he didn't care, but apparently he did care if i chose thai food because he was not familiar with it. i was confident that he would like it so i dismissed his little comments such as "i know this all you can eat sushi place in richmond" (what?? he doesn't even like sushi) or "how about there?" pointing to a indian restaurant, "what about red robins?" once he resigned himself that we were going out for thai, we discussed whether to go downtown or metrotown. once again brent claimed to have no opinion but as we drove downtown he kept saying things like "if we go to metrotown, we can look for new shoes for me" and "you need more hairstuff--we should go to metrotown." as it turned out, brent really liked what he ordered and so was satisfied. he got a little bored as laura and i wandered around some shops--but that would have happened in metrotown too. but i know my man and what keeps him happy. so on the way home we went to a gelato place. they make many an interesting flavour there. the idea is to browse and taste as many flavours as grabs your interest. i think brent tried 2 at the most before choosing his cone. he isn't into browsing or even being that adventurous at that. he got vanilla chocolate chip and hedgehog. laura and i tried (among others) kimchi...it was...yucky. it tasted like freezer burnt cabbage mixed with a slightly spicy garlicky aftertaste. my discovery was chocolate basil. it was surprisingly yummy. the basil really complimented the chocolate. i had that with hedgehog. it was a good combo and the chocolate basil got yummier and yummier as i ate it. brent was done before laura and i had even chosen our flavours, so he got another one. this one was...vanilla chocolate chip and vanilla chocolate chip....he finds what he likes and sticks with it. the owner, who according to karey and elicia is always grumpy, was in a very friendly mood and brent had a little chat with him about the different flavours. the grossest one he's ever made was chocolate truffle with smoke salmon. he's also done bacon and eggs. he'll do any flavour you ask him to.
laura and i were able to get to sleep at a relatively decent time, but the 7:30 alarm woke me with a jolt. laura got straight into the shower, but now i was awake with my morning bladder. to make matters worse, the cat allergies were closing in on me. so i got up and wandered around the living room, kitchen and laura's room desperately looking for something to blow my nose with, but there was nothing. it was tortuous waiting for laura to finish. we stopped at the dutyfree shop on the way down to skip through the long line. we listened to vinyl cafe. i was sitting in the back and got on laura's nerves by saying what all the time. at the temple we saw a boy of interest to bethany. he was much smaller than i had imagined, but puny seems to be a draw for her. it has been a long time since i went to such a late session and i was a little worried that we would miss a ferry, but instead it turned out to be very relaxing to just go at our pace. the session was packed and we were all in the back row (including wee boy of previous interest to a certain long cylindrical green vegie) the advantage of being in the back was that we were to first to... move on if you will. the disadvantage to a later session is that all the good food is gone when you hit the cafeteria. the entree that i wanted was gone and i made the mistake of just ordering a different one when it was clearly not something i would really like. ahh well. next time i'll know better and i'll have a plan b before i order. in spite of a long line at the border we got back with time to spare for catching the ferry. sot i requested that we get my watch that i'd left on laura's dresser. i live by my watch. i need it. just after we passed the exit to go to tswassen we got stuck in traffic because of an accident so we didn't have enough time to go back to catch the ferry. laura drove us all the way to horseshoe bay. that is a long way out of her way. she didn't complain. that is the kind of girl laura is. there is just something about going to the temple...it is not like i felt any strong feelings while i was there, yet there has just been more peace in my heart and in my home since going. i don't always notice it, but it has been along time since we've been able to go, so i guess it stands out more. i love to see the temple.

my life is just not fun to write about right now. it is as if stress, hurt, failures, and confrontations swirl around me allowing brief moments of reprieve before the next wave of difficulties hits. during those brief moments of peace i think of things to write, but before i get the chance to, something comes up and then to write the things i was thinking about seem so unimportant and irrelevant that to write about them would be a cover up of the real turmoil that surrounds me. so that is why there hasn't been much communication from the likes of me. here's hoping for a better week.

yesterday i was rude to the telemarketer. he asked for b shofield. it's skofield i said. it is not a german name. you wouldn't say shool would you? all the while he was apologizing. i didn't say this but there is no one here named b! i'm a hybrid: the girl next door with progressive girl--but really, i'm mostly girl next door. my characteristics are simplicity with tradition. i drive a ford, (but i would like a hybrid just like a progessive girl) i have my great grandmother's wedding ring, and i like trying new things. what kind of girl are you? go to www.cookingtohookup.com/quiz to find out.

night disturbance

last night i woke up to the sound of some annoying car alarm honking. it was 1:30 am and it just didn't stop. it wasn't until i heard the sound of a loud diesel engine starting up and then cutting out again that i woke brent up. "is that the truck?" i asked. brent bounded out of bed, looked out the window and started pulling on some pants. before he got downstairs the doorbell rang. i thought it was dennis until the person started pounding. it was dad. he'd come in the middle of the night to get some papers out of the truck. we're not exactly down the road either. he couldn't get the alarm off. so that gave both brent and me quite an adrenalin rush--not exactly something i like in the middle of my sleep. brent was up until 4. poor guy. crazy father.

getting back on track

i had a good day on monday. i felt full of energy. i wasn't winded when i walked up the stairs and when i looked in the mirror i didn't see this pasty blah face staring back at me. i was able to start to catch up on the housework that has been building up (including washing out the carpet in the van where the jello spilt--that brent said he would do later). after a week of bedrest and 10 days of no energy or strength, the house was not too pretty. i felt good about what i'd accomplished and in conclusion to a productive day we had family home evening. at the very end nat threw up. (i knew we should have stayed away from the family on the weekend. i even called tracy to try to get them to change the date night to another night, but i was assured that everyone was through it.) so anyways, around the time that nat got sick i started feeling really nauseous, so i didn't have any treat or anything else to eat. i stayed up with nat, who threw up every 15 minutes for a few hours until she finally fell asleep. she was still throwing up every half hour so i stayed up still. then mic started throwing up. at 3am, brent and i traded off and i went to bed feeling very yucky. i woke up around 7:30 to the sound of brent heaving in the bathroom. it sounded awful and neverending. i prayed "please don't let it happen to me, please don't let it happen to me" over and over until i fell back asleep. we all slept a lot that day. mic and nat got their appetite back and so they had soup with brent for dinner. i passed. basically i fasted--for about 36 hours. i hadn't thrown up, but my stomach was clenched in painful knots and i didn't want to eat something in case it made me throw up. it was awful and that annoying pasty face was back in my mirror. i went to bed that night assured by brent that i would soon be throwing up like everyone else. i woke up a few times in the night and worried that i woke up to puke, but it didn't happen. so in the morning i was weak, but whole. i survived. i guess i got a milder form--i hope. i still worry that it is still going to get me. today i went on my first run in 3 weeks. it was hard, but if felt good to be back on track.

my life seems to have been running in slow motion lately. january just feels so much like it is by far longer than any other month. it doesn't seem right that the gloomiest month is the longest, but it is. so, not much has been going on in my life. i've watched a lot of movies...i have an insatiable desire to watch movies every night. last night brent and i watched hitch. there are so many laughable parts in that movie. sometimes i wish that life could be more like the movies. from where i sit today, i don't believe that many guys are the way they seem in movies. they just aren't that romantic and even if they want to be as thoughtful, they don't know how to do it like that. maybe it is just the kind of guy i'm drawn to (the kind that is so nervous about proposing that he does it over the phone or in a letter) but i don't see it in the men around me either.
i started the day off feeling a little irritable. brent was being particularly annoying. the girls' hair was annoying because it was so snarly. we resorted to taking jello salad to potluck because we just didn't have anything else to bring. it hadn't set yet on the way to church and then it spilt. i rushed into choir assuming brent would clean it up. nope. so i marched out to do it myself because he wouldn't--greeting people with a hi, how are you as the steam blew out my ears. what i wanted to say was hi my husband's an idiot. luckily i was able to calm down and rid myself of the angry spirit that was plaguing me as church progressed. that's what going to church is all about--letting go of the hurt, angry, bitter feelings and coming away with a renewed hope and an increased love for the people around you.
today i sat with the older girls' class during the last hour of primary. nat called across the room "mommy, i want you" and the sister sitting with her class offered to trade. no way. 2 of the boys in her class kept getting up and leaving. nat ended up staying next to tammy the whole time. she sat on her knee and held her hand while she conducted the music. nat conducted too. it was interesting to sit behind her and watch how she interacted with other people. at one point tracy came and got her to sit with her. natalie was very attentive to tracy and sang staring up at her. it was like she was starving for attention and when she got it she was responsive. all day long natalie always asks me to play with her. i do, but it is never enough. she tells on michealah at night for mic not cuddling with her. she wants to be loved and doted on all the time and so she demands it.
carmen keeps calling me mommy. she thinks that's what you call someone when you want something from them. today she grabbed my legs and yelled mommy over and over in a very insistent voice. she wanted the sandwich that i was holding for michealah. what can you do when someone so small pleads with you like that? she reminds me of natalie. she knows how to work it.
it's late. i'm off to bed.