mic's big day

it is monday morning. i'm tired, my eyes are burning, i have cramps and the house looks as if a tornado hit. what am i going to do about it? i'm going to sit here at the computer and procrastinate the inevitable. procrastinate. it is a thing i like to do. i don't like to face my responsibilities sometimes. sometimes it just feels like too much. there are a couple problems with my plan: i don't really know what to write about, and i can't stand the mess.
mic's baptism was nice. i had to give the talk. i tried to get her to pick anyone else to no avail. you might think that to give a talk at a baptism is a pretty simple thing, but this was not the case for me. the ideas, concepts, and feelings were just not flowing together for me. so finally it came down to the last moment. i set my alarm and got up early on saturday morning to do it. this is not something i like to do. that is leaving too much to the last minute when other things come up and i feel pressure and not inspiration. but this time it was all i could do. i hoped that i would have the whole peaceful early morning factor to help me. it didn't quite work to plan. the girls were already awake. madelaine had slept over against my better judgement. then they greatly annoyed me by trying to get some things that they are not allowed to out of their closet. instead they dumped a bunch of stuff on the floor. they knew i was awake, but they asked brent because he was asleep and would agree to anything to get them to let him sleep. by the time that it was time to go i was still not completely done. then it turned out that i left my talk at home. so i had to wing the whole thing. i guess that is what i get for getting angry with heavenly father. but really the talk is probably the most insignificant part of a baptism so it didn't really matter. i felt reallly emotional, but was able to keep it in check. mic was so excited. it was a good day. even in spite of the in-laws. i feel like telling some of them about how much they let brent and mic down, but i probably won't. what good will it do? one of the best parts was when esther sang. the bishop turned the time over for short testimonies. dad (who was disappointed that he wasn't in the program) dough and jordan got up. dough said it was one of the first times for him to go to the baptism of a princess. madelaine looked rather indignant and said "dad! what about my baptism?" haha. dad read a poem that he'd written for mic. afterwards i asked him for a copy and he said "i don't think anyone liked it" silly guy. well, i am starting to ramble. i guess it is time to face my tasks

it has been a crazy week. way too busy. i even had to bow out of sister movie night, which was a shame because laura and bethany were in town last week. i hardly got to see bethany. on monday we went for a walk. it was such a beautiful night with a warm breeze.
i feel this urgency to get so many things done. i have a cold sore. i keep waking up way too early. it is so annoying! today for example: it is a holiday. no reason for me to be up early at all. so what happens? at 6 o'clock i come to consciousness and there is no slipping back into blissful unawares. yesterday (sunday) i woke at 7 and we have church in the afternoon... and so on. it is driving me crazy!
since i was up so early i went for a run. the weather network said "light rain." i'd really like to know what they define as heavy rain or even just regular rain. everytime i have gone running when it says that, it is pouring and i quickly get soaked. but it felt good--like a sort of cleansing of my mind--an outpouring of wisdom falling from the sky. haha. not being allowed to run sure makes me ache to do so. what can i say. i'm simple minded and reverse psychology works on me. i have been running somewhat tentatively for a couple weeks now. i found a really good website about shinsplints--strengthening and warming up the vulnerable areas. so at the beginning of my run, i look like i am severely disabled. you walk on your toes with toes pointed ahead, then pointed out and then--and this is where i look like i have a problem--with toes pointed in. then you do the same thing over walking on your heels. i can really feel the burn in the front of my shins when walking on my heels. then you do the same thing again while you skip. i don't yet have the nerve to do it when people are around. i know i literally look retarded.
yesterday was overwhelming. the bishop singled me out in the meeting. it was uncomfortable. later he told someone i was a scared little girl. and fact is: i have been feeling that way. but as i thought about it, i realized i'm never going to be able to do this properly if that is how i'm feeling. i need to believe that this calling is from the Lord and that He will help me to do it. easier said than done, but that is what i'm trying to do now. the rest of the presidency is already being very supportive. they are the ones that have all the wisdom. they have so many good ideas and solutions to anything that has been thrown my way. i know that they are the ones to be in these callings now and so by that thought process i need to believe that i am where i am supposed to be too.
well, delanie has just arrived. laura, her and i are going to coombs with the girls.

the day after...

first of all i'd just like to say that galaxy bars are really sweet. the meades brought me back one from england and i really can't eat very much of it. i actually willingly shared with nat. (usually i hide it from her when i'm eating chocolate and share somewhat reluctantly.) and brent ate more than half. (sorry sarah, i was trying to save it for sister movie night but brent got it out)

so my girls were very sweet for mother's day. mic made this flower that you turn and it says different things about me. not only did she say that she thought i was beautiful and that i love running, she also said that i love to sew and knit. haha. i'm guessing the teacher had a list of things they could write and mic didn't realize how uncrafty i am.
brent insisted that he had to go to pec which means we all go at 11:30 because choir is at 12. bill told him he might be out of town for a funeral and if so brent would have to go. i told brent to call just to make sure he wasn't home, but brent refused. he was sure he knew so much better than me. we drove into the church parking lot and there was bill's yellow convertible. arrrgh! then to make matters worse there was no choir. so we went an hour and a half early to church.

speaking of church, yesterday i was sustained and set apart as the relief society president. it was a time i had been dreading for some time. i'd feared a call in rs for awhile, but i was fearing being a teacher--not the one who has be in charge of running it all and teach every 3 months. i was really surprised when the bishop called me. i feel so inexperienced. the bishop is telling me stuff i just did not want to know if you know what i mean. he told me he sometimes he'll need someone to talk to and there are just 2 people he speak with: me and the stake president. and he wants me to counsel him. me. to counsel the bishop. ok. i can't continue in this vein because my heart is starting to pound and i can feel the adrenelin starting to flow. i haven't been able to sleep very well for awhile because of this.
so anyways, i knew it was all going to happen yesterday. i did not want the stares--i hate the spotlight. i told brent that i was going to sit in the back so no one would know where i was when they wanted to stare, but he said the bishop would ask where i was so i sat at our usual spot up at the front. i planned to use brent as shield and to slouch down in my seat. but no. even though bro shortinghuis started ripping through the names so fast i wasn't even sure he'd said my name (my full name with schofield...who's that?) then the bishop stopped him and said that he wanted us to stand. that was very uncomfortable for me and also very unnecessary. i think after living here for almost 8 years, everybody knows who i am. although who knows, there may be some that just know me as the clarke that married brent. it has happened before. as soon as sacrament meeting was over i was surrounded by well wishers and people wanting my email. for the rest of the day i got lots of congratulations, which to me is kind of a strange thing to say. congrats is what you say when someone has accomplished something--and it is usually something he/she desired to achieve. maybe it is their way of saying i support you. i hope so. being set apart was really a spiritual experience. i really felt sure then that i have the right counsellors--something i really struggled with. (sorry for using really so much but no other word is coming to mind) in my setting apart all my feelings of inadequacy were addressed. it was comforting. i tried hard to remember everything but at the end--after everyone else was set apart i couldn't remember very much and neither could brent. i was promised that i would draw very close to the Lord--closer than ever before. i'm looking forward to that part. i miss that closeness that is so easily maintained as a missionary.
today sharon came over and gave me all the books and her keys and told me everything i need to be aware of and need to do. oh oh. here comes the heart pounding adrenelin again. i'm going to stop. but if any of you come from wards where the new enrichment program has been implemented and running smoothly i'd like to know about how they're doing it. please. ok i have to go i'm starting to freak myself out again.

happy mother's day

my mother's day began when mic burst in at six in the morning asking brent if they could get started doing the "stuff." brent said no and she left for awhile but a little while later nat barged in. finally after repeated burstings in he gave in. so much for a luxurious sleep in. now i am banned to my bedroom but sleep fled a few burstings in previous, so i have the laptop. problem is i don't have everyone's addresses saved on the laptop. and it won't let me read laura's for some reason. it says the address doesn't exist. so i'm not left with much to do except for blogging. i smell turkey bacon. my stomach is full of butterflies. i am scared and nervous. on the one hand i am ready to let the cat out of the bag so i can be a little more open, but on the other hand, i'd like to keep the cat in the bag forever--until it suffocates and dies. time for me to go downstairs.

everytime we kneel to have family prayer nat says "hey, this doesn't look like a circle!" then mic says "so...." and starts to say something mean to nat to which i cut her off on. nat isn't satisfied until all our knees are touching. then she says let's sing the song. and we sing 'let us gather in a circle..." then nat and mic usually both plead with brent to let them say the prayer. it is a ritual. every day the exact same thing.
today i rode my bike to the arnotts to work out. brent has school on the days that i go and he refuses to ride his bike there so i rode mine. erin usually comes and picks me up but today she couldn't go and i didn't want to get out of the rhythm of going so i got my own way there. it wasn't that bad of a ride and doing something like that just makes me feel strong. plus it served the dual purpose of making brent feel bad. not that i want him to feel bad, but i do want him to open his mind up to the possibility of riding his bike to get places. i know that if he just got started doing it he would enjoy it. brent kept suggesting that i drive him to school so i can use the van. no way. too much time and too much gas. can you believe the prices of gas?! so just when i was finishing my workout he showed up and loaded my bike and trailer into the van. he finished a little early today because he had a test. hopefully that is a good sign.
stress and pressure and worry and feelings of inadequacy continue to simmer just below the surface. it is making me crazy!!