Anyways, I've been doing little things to try to be better. Like trying to put more into my prayers. I mean when it is something you do everyday at least twice a day it can be hard for me to not just say the same platitudes. Just like it is hard to write a letter to the same person regularly without getting a response (not that I don't get a response, but not in the same way one does when having a regular conversation...you know: yak yak yak, pause, think about what I've said, wait for some inspiration, repeat again and again--its different than yak yak yak, hear response yak yak yak, etc etc. Anyways, it has been an area I need to put in renewed effort.
And going to the temple. After what happened to Brent last time we went to Seattle, we just stopped going. Expensive, need passport, expensive, expensive, expensive. Then the lower mainlanders finally get their own temple and we still find it hard to go. We hadn't been to do a session in a really long time...The last 3 or 4 times we have gone we have worked with the youth in baptistry. The temple is a lot closer and the passport obstacle is now removed but we still have the biggest difficulty which is the expense. I like where I live. Love it actually. I don't really like leaving much--probably mainly because of the expense. When I thought about how little we have used the temple since it has opened I felt ashamed. So Brent and I have set the goal to try and go once a month. With so much family over there, it doesn't have to be as expensive as it is for some other islanders. It is a sacrifice that we felt we should be making. And so with that goal, we went over at the end of January. I was worried that we weren't going to have the money but then we got an HST cheque. It is rather remarkable to me that as soon as we made the firm commitment to go, my mood just changed. It was easier to get up in the morning and do everything I needed to do--sort of like the energy I get at Christmas time. We were graciously picked up at the horse shoe bay terminal by Laura who basically spent the greater part of her Saturday chauffeuring us around and attending the temple with us. It was just really nice to be there and call it an amazing coincidence or just one of the "tender mercies" but our session was about one third peopled by Nanaimo people. The next day at church I felt buoyed up by our little trip. I just felt happy, you know?
Then we felt the need to have a fhe lesson on fasting and this responsibility fell on me. We challenged the girls to have a better attitude about fasting--to try and view it more as the "joy" that it is described in the scriptures. We also challenged Mic to do a full fast which she has never done, but that we felt she was ready to start doing. I hadn't fasted since before I got pregnant with E--so since September 2007. I've been thinking that I probably could now that she only nurses really at naptime and sometimes before bed--especially since I'm trying to ween her. So with that in mind, we all started our fast together on Saturday evening and talked about what we were fasting for. Brent was in Kamloops but he was involved in the discussion via skype. On Sunday morning I woke up earlier than necessary. I thought "oh good. I can use this time to prepare spiritually to have a really good experience at church today. I reviewed my lesson, said my prayers. While I was sitting there enjoying the peace and quiet before I had to wake up the girls, Nat came in and said "I think I have to give a talk today"...From there, everything went downhill. Trying to get the girls ready on time, help Nat to put together a talk that is in her words on her level about Heavenly Father's plan I became very grumpy. Nat kept bugging me (probably because I was so irritable) and I just couldn't seem to stop myself from being grumpy with the kids. By the time we got to church the library was closed and so I couldn't get the things I needed for my lesson. I just felt harried. I didn't have the peaceful, connected feeling I had been striving for. But I did give it my full effort.
Another family goal we have set this year is to focus on service. Every month for one of our fhe's we do an activity. So the Sunday night before the activity night, Brent and I were talking about some difficulties in our ward. One thing I love about my husband is how he can't resist helping someone when he sees their need--no matter what they have done to him in the past. We decided to do a little secret service to some members in the ward. This doesn't usually happen when one does secret service but we heard a little of how what we did helped. It was very rewarding. I guess we "received our reward" especially by my admitting that we did it on here--no longer secret is it? But I will say that doing it has helped at least a little bit in feeling less detached from the ward.
Going back to the just going through the motions, I felt like I was doing that with my scripture reading. Why is it so hard for me to stop in the middle of my day to sit and read my scriptures? I can get so caught up in my day in going from task to task and scripture reading just becomes another task rather than a moment to treasure and enjoy. So it has been another area that I've been trying to give renewed effort. The thing with scriptures at least for me, not every time is a great spiritual experience. Sure sometimes I glean some good direction or inspiration, but mostly I notice how it just helps me through my day. This week I've been rereading the conference talks from the Saturday afternoon session. I've just been blown away at how insightful they have been and were just the sort of things I needed to consider. I love conference :)
Then I heard this song that I had never heard before that just seemed to speak to me. It is not a new song, but I had never heard it before. Since my first time hearing it, I have heard it several times. So had I heard it before and just not paid any attention? or is it suddenly being revived? I don't know. But it resonated so strongly with me and they way that I have felt. Here is a link to it. Although the version I heard was sung by Katie Thompson.
