i can feel the depression moving in. it is seeping in the cracks of my quieter times. it is trying to press in on me and prevent all my activity. but i'm busy. i hardly have time to notice it. the quiet times hardly ever happen but the depression is there lurking; waiting to come out. i want to give in and wallow. i want to ponder on how unfair life can be. i want to do nothing. i want to feel sorry for myself but whenever i think "why me?" or "poor me" i always think of people that have it way worse than me. i wish i could shut off that reasoning sometimes because it makes me think that i shouldn't feel so sad. and i have all these things i need to do--things that i want to do like put up our christmas tree and finish christmas preparations. but right now, or whenever i have the time i don't want to. and i feel detached from my feelings. like i'm standing there watching these emotions come up and i wonder why they are here and how to make them go away. and i feel alone--not because there aren't people that care, but because i'm the one that this has happened to and has to go through it and though i know they care it just doesn't lift the lonliness of my grief. i guess i shouldn't really be surprised. i've been here before and it was the same thing then. i'm sorry for writing such a downer of a post. i just need to give some expression to my feelings. don't worry about me; i'll be ok.

mclintock

last night was my quiet friday night at home night. problem was, i didn't have anything to do. so i ended up watching mclintock on tv. it was a john wayne movie co-starring maureen o'hara (the mom in parent trap). she was feisty and mad at her husband and had just returned to meet her daughter who was returning from school. john wayne claimed he didn't know why she was so mad at him and acted mostly indifferent to her--except when he got drunk one night. that night he came home singing about how he loved her. the daughter was pretty and the boys fought for her attention. she was a little feisty like her mother--especially to the boy that you know she is going to end up with. at one point her turns her over his lap and spanks her with her father looking on. the movie culminates with john wayne chasing his wife through the town with everyone in the town following and laughing. his wife (named katie or katherine) was in the middle of getting changed when the chase starts and as the chase continues she keeps losing more and more of her underclothing. (the movie is set in the pre-car era and so she had a lot of underclothes on) she is more and more humiliated and everybody just follows and laughs. when he finally catches her he turns her over his knee and spanks her. and somehow that makes everything good!? i can't believe that in the 60s that was acceptable. i know that the movie is loosely based on the taming of the shrew, but come on!