my life is just not fun to write about right now. it is as if stress, hurt, failures, and confrontations swirl around me allowing brief moments of reprieve before the next wave of difficulties hits. during those brief moments of peace i think of things to write, but before i get the chance to, something comes up and then to write the things i was thinking about seem so unimportant and irrelevant that to write about them would be a cover up of the real turmoil that surrounds me. so that is why there hasn't been much communication from the likes of me. here's hoping for a better week.

yesterday i was rude to the telemarketer. he asked for b shofield. it's skofield i said. it is not a german name. you wouldn't say shool would you? all the while he was apologizing. i didn't say this but there is no one here named b! i'm a hybrid: the girl next door with progressive girl--but really, i'm mostly girl next door. my characteristics are simplicity with tradition. i drive a ford, (but i would like a hybrid just like a progessive girl) i have my great grandmother's wedding ring, and i like trying new things. what kind of girl are you? go to www.cookingtohookup.com/quiz to find out.

night disturbance

last night i woke up to the sound of some annoying car alarm honking. it was 1:30 am and it just didn't stop. it wasn't until i heard the sound of a loud diesel engine starting up and then cutting out again that i woke brent up. "is that the truck?" i asked. brent bounded out of bed, looked out the window and started pulling on some pants. before he got downstairs the doorbell rang. i thought it was dennis until the person started pounding. it was dad. he'd come in the middle of the night to get some papers out of the truck. we're not exactly down the road either. he couldn't get the alarm off. so that gave both brent and me quite an adrenalin rush--not exactly something i like in the middle of my sleep. brent was up until 4. poor guy. crazy father.

getting back on track

i had a good day on monday. i felt full of energy. i wasn't winded when i walked up the stairs and when i looked in the mirror i didn't see this pasty blah face staring back at me. i was able to start to catch up on the housework that has been building up (including washing out the carpet in the van where the jello spilt--that brent said he would do later). after a week of bedrest and 10 days of no energy or strength, the house was not too pretty. i felt good about what i'd accomplished and in conclusion to a productive day we had family home evening. at the very end nat threw up. (i knew we should have stayed away from the family on the weekend. i even called tracy to try to get them to change the date night to another night, but i was assured that everyone was through it.) so anyways, around the time that nat got sick i started feeling really nauseous, so i didn't have any treat or anything else to eat. i stayed up with nat, who threw up every 15 minutes for a few hours until she finally fell asleep. she was still throwing up every half hour so i stayed up still. then mic started throwing up. at 3am, brent and i traded off and i went to bed feeling very yucky. i woke up around 7:30 to the sound of brent heaving in the bathroom. it sounded awful and neverending. i prayed "please don't let it happen to me, please don't let it happen to me" over and over until i fell back asleep. we all slept a lot that day. mic and nat got their appetite back and so they had soup with brent for dinner. i passed. basically i fasted--for about 36 hours. i hadn't thrown up, but my stomach was clenched in painful knots and i didn't want to eat something in case it made me throw up. it was awful and that annoying pasty face was back in my mirror. i went to bed that night assured by brent that i would soon be throwing up like everyone else. i woke up a few times in the night and worried that i woke up to puke, but it didn't happen. so in the morning i was weak, but whole. i survived. i guess i got a milder form--i hope. i still worry that it is still going to get me. today i went on my first run in 3 weeks. it was hard, but if felt good to be back on track.

my life seems to have been running in slow motion lately. january just feels so much like it is by far longer than any other month. it doesn't seem right that the gloomiest month is the longest, but it is. so, not much has been going on in my life. i've watched a lot of movies...i have an insatiable desire to watch movies every night. last night brent and i watched hitch. there are so many laughable parts in that movie. sometimes i wish that life could be more like the movies. from where i sit today, i don't believe that many guys are the way they seem in movies. they just aren't that romantic and even if they want to be as thoughtful, they don't know how to do it like that. maybe it is just the kind of guy i'm drawn to (the kind that is so nervous about proposing that he does it over the phone or in a letter) but i don't see it in the men around me either.
i started the day off feeling a little irritable. brent was being particularly annoying. the girls' hair was annoying because it was so snarly. we resorted to taking jello salad to potluck because we just didn't have anything else to bring. it hadn't set yet on the way to church and then it spilt. i rushed into choir assuming brent would clean it up. nope. so i marched out to do it myself because he wouldn't--greeting people with a hi, how are you as the steam blew out my ears. what i wanted to say was hi my husband's an idiot. luckily i was able to calm down and rid myself of the angry spirit that was plaguing me as church progressed. that's what going to church is all about--letting go of the hurt, angry, bitter feelings and coming away with a renewed hope and an increased love for the people around you.
today i sat with the older girls' class during the last hour of primary. nat called across the room "mommy, i want you" and the sister sitting with her class offered to trade. no way. 2 of the boys in her class kept getting up and leaving. nat ended up staying next to tammy the whole time. she sat on her knee and held her hand while she conducted the music. nat conducted too. it was interesting to sit behind her and watch how she interacted with other people. at one point tracy came and got her to sit with her. natalie was very attentive to tracy and sang staring up at her. it was like she was starving for attention and when she got it she was responsive. all day long natalie always asks me to play with her. i do, but it is never enough. she tells on michealah at night for mic not cuddling with her. she wants to be loved and doted on all the time and so she demands it.
carmen keeps calling me mommy. she thinks that's what you call someone when you want something from them. today she grabbed my legs and yelled mommy over and over in a very insistent voice. she wanted the sandwich that i was holding for michealah. what can you do when someone so small pleads with you like that? she reminds me of natalie. she knows how to work it.
it's late. i'm off to bed.