i started to write about our canada day on sunday but i was distracted by a very long phone call from andrea. due to the said phone call i was not able to go on a run. it is a new rule i have. i have to have a good sleep in order to go on a run. i'm trying a new approach--love and take care of my body instead of forcing it to perform. that is something i have done for a long time. i pushed myself no matter how tired i was to do things and it was starting to take its toll. i was starting to get the amy-red-eye-syndrome. so now i must have a good nights sleep if i want to exercise. so far it seems to be working. i'm marathon training so i have to run so i have to get a good sleep. it helps that it is summer time and i don't have to get up so early to go on a run and if i don't get up on time mic and nat just come with me on my run-- and since it is a good deal harder to push nat and run i have a little motivation to get to bed on time.
anyways, back to parksville. on saturday brent woke up early and went to work (which was not exactly according to plan. he was supposed to wait for me do my run. i woke up early to go and he was already gone so mic and nat had to come with me) he figured he would be done in just a couple hours, but karen kept giving him more things to do so he never got home until 2 and he was supposed to start at romans at 4. he made me call deb to see if she really needed him to work (i love how he always makes me make the awkward calls--especially when it comes to money) deb said she would call if it got really busy. then our time was spent talking about what to do. these talks always seem so unproductive! brent just wanted to stay home and do nothing until it was time to go to parksville to watch the fireworks in case deb called him. i had cabin fever and was ready to go do something because that had been the plan all day. brent had taken the car to work in the morning (not part of the original plan either) and we were just waiting for him (who was "almost done" every time we called.) finally i hit the key thing to motivate brent to get moving--food. i found something that he was excited about bbqing and the ball started rolling. as it turned out we didn't get to parksville any earlier than originally planned but at least we were doing something together.
we found a good spot close to the beach to watch the fireworks. brent amused himself watching a group of young adults sitting nearby. one was really drunk and carrying an almost empty bottle of some form of liquor. after seeing him punch a guy that was driving by three times in the face for no apparent reason, brent got up and left. i knew exactly where he was going and felt a little uncomfortable because i thought it would be so obvious. not long after brent left four police officers descended down on us on their bikes. i was sitting with my back to this group but i could hear lots of what was said. the girls all played innocent--"i'm not drinking, i'm the driver. i didn't know you weren't allowed unopened alcohol here." i don't know how they thought that would convince them--what is the point of bringing it to the beach if you are going to keep it closed the whole time. the police made them dump everything out and then they left. brent didn't return until it was almost done and they didn't seem to notice so i guess it wasn't that obvious. it was much quieter after they left.
sarah and kyle and amy came and we sat and ate junk food. there was a group of people there playing wooden xylophones (don't know the real name) that just added to the fuinki. sarah, amy and i went to have a look. one guy really got into it. he was sitting on a office chair and bouncing around like crazy. i love parksville beach at sunset. the tide was coming in. the water was smooth. the sky was pink and relected off of the water. beautiful. the fireworks were not bad--although the low shooting ones seem to go on and on forever. kyle had funny names for some of the kinds of fireworks--something like cracklies. the girls lay on their backs on the blanket to watch--their faces filled with the wonder of it all. it was a beautiful moment that just filled my heart with gratitude and love for my little family.

i spent the whole day today in the sun. going along on mic's field trip was...interesting. i got to see how mic interacts with the other kids and saw that basically, she doesn't. she does her own thing. it is not a matter of the other kids don't like her or exclude her. they invited her to play with them and she said no. i guess that means she's not a follower. she did let others join her though. it was kind of weird to see her so disconnected from all the other kids. it was also a little different for me. i like to go to the beach with my friends so i have somthing to do while the kids play. a lot of the parents that were there i didn't even know, and for some reason some of them seem so hard to talk with. it's weird. i don't have any issue like that with the ballet moms.
from the beach we went mini golfing. it was kind of funny to golf with little kids like this. one little girl in particular lied every time about how many times she hit the ball. none of them got the bit about letting the ball stop rolling before you hit it again. it was cute and they had fun. nat was quite intense as she struggled to sink the ball.
i was exhausted from a day in the sun, but then it was time for fhe at pipers. i really did not want to go, but we were supposed to bring our bbq. (probably why we always get invited when dough wants to bbq.) it was beautiful at pipers. it was windy but the wind was warm. how often does that happen? i could not resist the waters. there was no one else to swim with and i am a social swimmer. i just don't like doing it alone. but the waters beckoned me. it felt so refreshing. i find swimming in the ocean always reminds me of how small i am--just one little speck floating around on endless water. i was rejuvenated.

a little of this and that

it finally feels like summer is here. it is so hot today and (yay!) only 3 days of school left. i am so ready for school to be done. tomorrow mic has a field trip to parksville. they are picnicking at the park and then going mini golfing. i am a driver so my day tomorrow is pretty well taken up. it was a good day in church today. it was high counsel sunday, but surprisingly the talks were really good. brent was very amused by his imaginings that bethany was enraptured with the companion speaker. he was very cute. (i have to admit i am a little partial to redheads) he was very earnest and a little nervous. (brent accredited that to bethany staring up at him.) i think that he would be a good match for bethany. more her type than chip. in sunday school we had a new teacher and she was a nice change. i had even done all my reading. it was a sad topic though--david giving into temptation. that always seems to be such a deep tragedy.
mic gave a talk in primary and she read from her journal what she wrote about her baptism. it was very cute. she got the giggles when she got to the part about carmen dancing while she was singing. (a part not so amusing to me). because she got the giggles mic hid her face a little and then couldn't stop grinning when her talk was over. why is it that when we are in a serious situation and something strikes us as funny our mirth can be very hard to contain? like when i was a yw and it was yw sacrament sunday and i was sitting on the stand and the bishop was getting all emotional and something made me laugh (i don't remember what) and then i couldn't contain it. or even worse when i was yw president and we were having new beginnings and someone was doning a musical number and screwed up--what an inappropiate time to get the giggles!maybe that is why i was released.
in relief society i was asked to tell what i do to nurture my marriage and i mentioned how brent and i talk about the day or our plans or whatever. ironically now he doesn't want talk. my trying to strike up a conversation or do anything with him is annoying to him. he isn't even doing anything else. he is just sitting there. i suggested we go sit outside on our patio where it is cooler...not interested. i suggested doing something on the laptop...not interested. what is he doing now? sitting outside on the patio with the laptop. what is up with that?
so thus i am here giving escape to all my thoughts. the twins recital was....entertaining, but very very very very long. we're talking 3 hours long. trent arnott was at the door handing out programs and very reluctant about having to play the piano. amy and bethany both did a really good job--especially considering that they didn't have much time to prepare. there was one family that was particularly endearing. they could all play quite well for their ages--a girl about 8/9, boy 10/11 and the oldest boy 14ish. the middle boy gave his sister high fives everytime she performed. it was sweet. and then when the oldest was playing and had trouble with his music sister arnott went up to help him. all of a sudden the younger brother jumped up to assist. it amused me. he was so serious about it. i didn't even know the little kids that were playing yet i felt emotional at their accomplishments. what can i say...it was that time of month. the twins were funny with their vying for compliments. one must not say too much about one twin's playing without saying enough praise for the other twin as well. hehe
well this has become rather long and rambling, so i will end. IS SARAH EVER GOING TO HAVE HER BABY?!!

I can't sleep

it is 4:30 am. i have been awake for over an hour. mic woke me up. she wanted to get in our bed. brent told her to go back to her bed. she cried the heartbroken cry. she said we always let nat get in bed with us. this is entirely untrue. we always send her back. mic needs some one on one time. yesterday we had mic's birthday party. i am so glad it is done. finally, next weekend i have nothing looming up ahead of me. we had the party at roman's pizza (the pizza place that deb took over). she came in early just to do the party. brent did this game with the kids where they roll a giant die to decide what toppings go on the pizza. this meant that every pizza ended up having italian sausage on it. we got way too much pizza. on the bright side i don't have to cook this weekend. i just never feel like cooking on a saturday. i hate it when i can't sleep. why can't i? i just lie there thinking about visiting teaching. who knew there was so many people with such strong feelings about it? and i tried not to ruffle any feathers--just change what wasn't working. i've had people calling me and telling me i made a mistake and to change it back. problem is, that it is a process getting any changes made. it means at least 1 meeting and 2 appointments to get it done. and then there is the domino effect to deal with as well. and that is the part that is playing in my mind when all i want to do is sleep--how to adjust things. well, i know that is not that interesting to read about, but maybe if i write it out, it will stay out of my head long enough for me to sleep. i have to be at the church at 10:20 today. this means that i have to have the girls semi presentable before i leave. brent is just not reliable at this. which means that i really have little sleep in time. i'm a little nervous about my meetings today. last time i felt singled out and put on the spot. geri is coming with me to stand up for me though. haha. she won't let the bishop do that to me again. ok. this is boring and disjointed as all the thoughts whirling around in my head. i'm going to see if i can sleep now.

update

we find out today how brent's assessment went. he has been able to think of little else. i am not worried. he feels good about how things went. he found out that the saanich police paid a thousand dollars for his seat there that day, so they want him to succeed and they don't send someone there lightly.
on monday we were rejected for the 4 bedroom. they said we didn't have enough kids. no surprise there, except we lost the 3 bedroom that they'd offered to us. i don't really mind. i like where i live. i just don't like the feeling that our house is bursting at the seams with stuff. that part really bugs me.
thanks for all your supportive comments in regards to relief society. i've had a bit of a reprieve this week and it has been nice. sarah and i even got to have sister movie night and i also got in a bit of gilmore girls. sister jones called me this week to tell me she'd be away and give me some info and then said all these nice things about what it means to her and the other older ladies to have a young relief society president and also how much she enjoyed the lesson on sunday. funny, i've really come to appreciate her in relief society. i didn't know how much she did.

yesterday while on my run i was attacked by a crow. it was the scariest thing. i was just running along one of my usual routes and then a crow swooped down on me. it freaked me out. and then it did it again and again. i ran faster and tried zigzagging. it didn't help. i didn't know what to do so i ran into some trees where it couldn't swoop down on me like that. but the mean crow waited for me and when i emerged it swooped again. this time i screamed to see if that would help. it didn't seem to. it swooped 2 more times after that. i was so scared that i could hardly run after that. it took a lot for me to just slowly jog the rest of the way home. now i'm a little nervous to run down that road again. i guess its baby was out of the nest and it felt threatened.

so much has happened that i just don't know where to begin. my life is just picking up more and more speed. i feel like i'm running to do everything and can't get it all done and very little is done like i feel it should be done. first of all for the exciting news: brent was called by the saanich police force this week. he is gone tonight because he is having his day of assessment at the justice institute in new westminster tomorrow. this is the next step in the hiring process and is huge. it has been over a year since we've heard anything from them and we had pretty much given up on that ever happening. each police force gets a limited amount of seats for this day of assessment. (last year saanich only got 12 for the year and they were hiring 17) so it means that they are really interested in brent. the day of assessment is a full day where they put you in different situations to see how you respond. i'm pretty confident brent will have no problem. after this the only steps left are voice analysis (basically a polygraph test) and then a panel interview. i was the one who got the call from them and i wasn't sure how brent would respond. he had convinced me that he didn't really want to be a police officer. i had pushed for him to do more when he first started granite and then when he stopped but he gave me all these reasons...and i bought them and gave up on that dream. now i find out that brent was just convincing himself because he didn't think it would ever happen. problem is, i don't know how i feel about it all. i'm excited for brent. but i really don't want to move right now. i have never lived this long in one place and now i just don't want to move. and i can see a lot of the reasons why it wouldn't be so good for brent now. (thanks to his telling me) i'm finding it hard to keep changing my perspective and backing all the different dreams.

then the same day pacifica called and offered us a 3 bedroom in the same complex. once again i felt resistent to change. the 3 bedrooms don't border the park and i don't want the ugly flooring they are putting in all units after someone moves out. plus my garden. i have come to see that i have the best spot in the complex. (also the prettiest with the most flowers). then the next day they offered us the four bedroom. that was huge. there is only one in the whole complex. and only one family has lived there since layne and karen left. just think about all the room i would have. but i still have my reservations...one being why move to a spacious place if we are going to be moving to the victoria area where everything is as expensive as vancouver and where we will have to live in a small place? and there is the higher rent, fence in the back blocking my view of the park, ugly flooring and smaller garden issue still. we'll see. i have my walk through tomorrow morning.

friday was patrick and catherine's reception. i met a ghost from my edmonton days: sly. he married one of the hunter girls. at first i couldn't be sure it was him because for one thing he was much chubbier and also i never thought he would get married. for those of you that don't know, he was this extremely socially inept guy who had a big crush on me. (that was always the kind of guy i attracted) he was one of the guys that asked me the sweetheart dance. we were friends, but as always seems to be the case in such situations, if i was nice to him he got the wrong idea and then i would be mean and then i would feel bad and try to be nice...vicious circle. i wasn't sure if he remembered me or recognized me because he never said anything except for a barely audible howdy when i passed him in the hall. but when i approached him he remembered. even my name. i say the even my name part because when i first moved to edmonton he was the first person to ask me out. we went to a u of a basketball game where there were lots of other ysa. when he went to introduce me he couldn't remember my name. i was famous for that for a long time. everybody would pretend they couldn't remember my name. i was very embarassed. so when i saw him he acted a little awkward and that was it. it was kind of weird. the elder who baptized pat came too. he is from st. george. he said he was in the ward when i came home and then served in burnaby with a japanese elder and so i did some work with them. anyways, he said he would be insulted if we went to st george and didn't stay with them. that was nice, but we'll see if i even make it to st george this year.

yesterday was the girls' ballet recital. it was a pretty busy day. mic was in 2 dances. she did a good job. she is really starting to look like a ballerina. her teachers say that she will be ready to take her first exam in the fall which is a surprise because originally the plan was for the spring. the minimum age is 8 but they prefer 9. nat's dance was just plain cute. they messed up a couple times but it was so cute. nat hardly looked like she was dancing--she hardly lifted her knees when she was skipping and walked instead of marched, but in spite of this, she was the cutest...ok, i know i'm a little biassed, but she was really adorable.

then today was relief society...let's just say i'm beginning to dread sundays...everything gets thrown at me in this huge whirlwind of information, instruction, and today there were complaints too. i know i shouldn't let it get to me but i just feel so deflated. i had to teach today. i didn't do a very good job. i was too nervous. i just feel a sort of ache and have a lump in the back of my throat. most people are so nice and supportive, and others are just crabby and scary. i feel like i just made a fool out of myself and i don't want to go back. it is all so overwhelming. i don't how anybody does it. i have been pulled and stretched in so many directions, but i've only been doing this for about 3 weeks. it seems that all i ever write about is relief society. it is consuming my life. well, i've written a lot--hope it isn't too boring.

mic's big day

it is monday morning. i'm tired, my eyes are burning, i have cramps and the house looks as if a tornado hit. what am i going to do about it? i'm going to sit here at the computer and procrastinate the inevitable. procrastinate. it is a thing i like to do. i don't like to face my responsibilities sometimes. sometimes it just feels like too much. there are a couple problems with my plan: i don't really know what to write about, and i can't stand the mess.
mic's baptism was nice. i had to give the talk. i tried to get her to pick anyone else to no avail. you might think that to give a talk at a baptism is a pretty simple thing, but this was not the case for me. the ideas, concepts, and feelings were just not flowing together for me. so finally it came down to the last moment. i set my alarm and got up early on saturday morning to do it. this is not something i like to do. that is leaving too much to the last minute when other things come up and i feel pressure and not inspiration. but this time it was all i could do. i hoped that i would have the whole peaceful early morning factor to help me. it didn't quite work to plan. the girls were already awake. madelaine had slept over against my better judgement. then they greatly annoyed me by trying to get some things that they are not allowed to out of their closet. instead they dumped a bunch of stuff on the floor. they knew i was awake, but they asked brent because he was asleep and would agree to anything to get them to let him sleep. by the time that it was time to go i was still not completely done. then it turned out that i left my talk at home. so i had to wing the whole thing. i guess that is what i get for getting angry with heavenly father. but really the talk is probably the most insignificant part of a baptism so it didn't really matter. i felt reallly emotional, but was able to keep it in check. mic was so excited. it was a good day. even in spite of the in-laws. i feel like telling some of them about how much they let brent and mic down, but i probably won't. what good will it do? one of the best parts was when esther sang. the bishop turned the time over for short testimonies. dad (who was disappointed that he wasn't in the program) dough and jordan got up. dough said it was one of the first times for him to go to the baptism of a princess. madelaine looked rather indignant and said "dad! what about my baptism?" haha. dad read a poem that he'd written for mic. afterwards i asked him for a copy and he said "i don't think anyone liked it" silly guy. well, i am starting to ramble. i guess it is time to face my tasks

it has been a crazy week. way too busy. i even had to bow out of sister movie night, which was a shame because laura and bethany were in town last week. i hardly got to see bethany. on monday we went for a walk. it was such a beautiful night with a warm breeze.
i feel this urgency to get so many things done. i have a cold sore. i keep waking up way too early. it is so annoying! today for example: it is a holiday. no reason for me to be up early at all. so what happens? at 6 o'clock i come to consciousness and there is no slipping back into blissful unawares. yesterday (sunday) i woke at 7 and we have church in the afternoon... and so on. it is driving me crazy!
since i was up so early i went for a run. the weather network said "light rain." i'd really like to know what they define as heavy rain or even just regular rain. everytime i have gone running when it says that, it is pouring and i quickly get soaked. but it felt good--like a sort of cleansing of my mind--an outpouring of wisdom falling from the sky. haha. not being allowed to run sure makes me ache to do so. what can i say. i'm simple minded and reverse psychology works on me. i have been running somewhat tentatively for a couple weeks now. i found a really good website about shinsplints--strengthening and warming up the vulnerable areas. so at the beginning of my run, i look like i am severely disabled. you walk on your toes with toes pointed ahead, then pointed out and then--and this is where i look like i have a problem--with toes pointed in. then you do the same thing over walking on your heels. i can really feel the burn in the front of my shins when walking on my heels. then you do the same thing again while you skip. i don't yet have the nerve to do it when people are around. i know i literally look retarded.
yesterday was overwhelming. the bishop singled me out in the meeting. it was uncomfortable. later he told someone i was a scared little girl. and fact is: i have been feeling that way. but as i thought about it, i realized i'm never going to be able to do this properly if that is how i'm feeling. i need to believe that this calling is from the Lord and that He will help me to do it. easier said than done, but that is what i'm trying to do now. the rest of the presidency is already being very supportive. they are the ones that have all the wisdom. they have so many good ideas and solutions to anything that has been thrown my way. i know that they are the ones to be in these callings now and so by that thought process i need to believe that i am where i am supposed to be too.
well, delanie has just arrived. laura, her and i are going to coombs with the girls.

the day after...

first of all i'd just like to say that galaxy bars are really sweet. the meades brought me back one from england and i really can't eat very much of it. i actually willingly shared with nat. (usually i hide it from her when i'm eating chocolate and share somewhat reluctantly.) and brent ate more than half. (sorry sarah, i was trying to save it for sister movie night but brent got it out)

so my girls were very sweet for mother's day. mic made this flower that you turn and it says different things about me. not only did she say that she thought i was beautiful and that i love running, she also said that i love to sew and knit. haha. i'm guessing the teacher had a list of things they could write and mic didn't realize how uncrafty i am.
brent insisted that he had to go to pec which means we all go at 11:30 because choir is at 12. bill told him he might be out of town for a funeral and if so brent would have to go. i told brent to call just to make sure he wasn't home, but brent refused. he was sure he knew so much better than me. we drove into the church parking lot and there was bill's yellow convertible. arrrgh! then to make matters worse there was no choir. so we went an hour and a half early to church.

speaking of church, yesterday i was sustained and set apart as the relief society president. it was a time i had been dreading for some time. i'd feared a call in rs for awhile, but i was fearing being a teacher--not the one who has be in charge of running it all and teach every 3 months. i was really surprised when the bishop called me. i feel so inexperienced. the bishop is telling me stuff i just did not want to know if you know what i mean. he told me he sometimes he'll need someone to talk to and there are just 2 people he speak with: me and the stake president. and he wants me to counsel him. me. to counsel the bishop. ok. i can't continue in this vein because my heart is starting to pound and i can feel the adrenelin starting to flow. i haven't been able to sleep very well for awhile because of this.
so anyways, i knew it was all going to happen yesterday. i did not want the stares--i hate the spotlight. i told brent that i was going to sit in the back so no one would know where i was when they wanted to stare, but he said the bishop would ask where i was so i sat at our usual spot up at the front. i planned to use brent as shield and to slouch down in my seat. but no. even though bro shortinghuis started ripping through the names so fast i wasn't even sure he'd said my name (my full name with schofield...who's that?) then the bishop stopped him and said that he wanted us to stand. that was very uncomfortable for me and also very unnecessary. i think after living here for almost 8 years, everybody knows who i am. although who knows, there may be some that just know me as the clarke that married brent. it has happened before. as soon as sacrament meeting was over i was surrounded by well wishers and people wanting my email. for the rest of the day i got lots of congratulations, which to me is kind of a strange thing to say. congrats is what you say when someone has accomplished something--and it is usually something he/she desired to achieve. maybe it is their way of saying i support you. i hope so. being set apart was really a spiritual experience. i really felt sure then that i have the right counsellors--something i really struggled with. (sorry for using really so much but no other word is coming to mind) in my setting apart all my feelings of inadequacy were addressed. it was comforting. i tried hard to remember everything but at the end--after everyone else was set apart i couldn't remember very much and neither could brent. i was promised that i would draw very close to the Lord--closer than ever before. i'm looking forward to that part. i miss that closeness that is so easily maintained as a missionary.
today sharon came over and gave me all the books and her keys and told me everything i need to be aware of and need to do. oh oh. here comes the heart pounding adrenelin again. i'm going to stop. but if any of you come from wards where the new enrichment program has been implemented and running smoothly i'd like to know about how they're doing it. please. ok i have to go i'm starting to freak myself out again.

happy mother's day

my mother's day began when mic burst in at six in the morning asking brent if they could get started doing the "stuff." brent said no and she left for awhile but a little while later nat barged in. finally after repeated burstings in he gave in. so much for a luxurious sleep in. now i am banned to my bedroom but sleep fled a few burstings in previous, so i have the laptop. problem is i don't have everyone's addresses saved on the laptop. and it won't let me read laura's for some reason. it says the address doesn't exist. so i'm not left with much to do except for blogging. i smell turkey bacon. my stomach is full of butterflies. i am scared and nervous. on the one hand i am ready to let the cat out of the bag so i can be a little more open, but on the other hand, i'd like to keep the cat in the bag forever--until it suffocates and dies. time for me to go downstairs.

everytime we kneel to have family prayer nat says "hey, this doesn't look like a circle!" then mic says "so...." and starts to say something mean to nat to which i cut her off on. nat isn't satisfied until all our knees are touching. then she says let's sing the song. and we sing 'let us gather in a circle..." then nat and mic usually both plead with brent to let them say the prayer. it is a ritual. every day the exact same thing.
today i rode my bike to the arnotts to work out. brent has school on the days that i go and he refuses to ride his bike there so i rode mine. erin usually comes and picks me up but today she couldn't go and i didn't want to get out of the rhythm of going so i got my own way there. it wasn't that bad of a ride and doing something like that just makes me feel strong. plus it served the dual purpose of making brent feel bad. not that i want him to feel bad, but i do want him to open his mind up to the possibility of riding his bike to get places. i know that if he just got started doing it he would enjoy it. brent kept suggesting that i drive him to school so i can use the van. no way. too much time and too much gas. can you believe the prices of gas?! so just when i was finishing my workout he showed up and loaded my bike and trailer into the van. he finished a little early today because he had a test. hopefully that is a good sign.
stress and pressure and worry and feelings of inadequacy continue to simmer just below the surface. it is making me crazy!!

i bounced

i haven't gone running for over a month now. i started getting shin splints--which was a major ticker offer annoyance because i didn't do anything that could have caused it. you can get it from running harder and increasing your milage. hello. i ran a marathon. then i decreased my milage to a bare minimum and have done nothing more. something is just not right. anyways that's when i started bouncing. now i don't go for runs, i go for bounces. mom gave me her kangoo jumps and i must say i find it quite enjoyable. i get a few looks--but hey, that could just be my morning glow and not my footwear. my legs don't hurt at all when i'm using them and for some reason it is just easier to get out the door.
today i am feeling a little pleased with myself. i had some one on one time with michealah. i have felt that it was needed for a long time but i just didn't know how to do it. i just don't get to see her very much. back when brent worked in vancouver they used to take turns staying up with me but the other one always cried and missed her sister and felt left out of whatever we were doing. and that just seemed to be defeating the purpose (to make them feel unique and special to me) so i stopped doing that. eventually i thought of using brent and so today brent took nat out to buy a flower and planted it. (i have to admit though it was hard to let go of the control of my garden) and played with the letters with her. mic and i practiced her math flash cards, played math wars and go fish with them and then painted her nails. of course i had to do nats as well after. mic kept saying 'this is fun' so i feel successful. hopefully we can keep up this tradition.

save the last dance for me

today while i was making dinner brent came home and downloaded "save the last dance for me." he said that he heard it earlier today and that it reminded him of me. brent doesn't usually say such things and so it surprised me a little....actually quite a bit. it is so not his style and probably by tomorrow he'll deny ever saying it or downloading the song. i didn't get at first why it would make him think of me until i remembered the last gold n green ball. one of the williams' boys asked me to dance and brent reacted kind of funny. he was all apologizing for not dancing with me. he admitted that that is the reason why he thought of me with this song. silly boy. i asked, 'so it's ok if i let them hold me tight?' he said no rather emphatically. haha.
today we barbecued a roast. i didn't want to barbecue it but brent was in a barbecueing mood so i relented. it was ok, but it would have been better cooked in the crock pot. finally it is warm! yay!

i love sundays. funny, it seemed a year ago that one (namely karen) would be hard-pressed to find me in a good mood on sundays. i would always be filled with an angry, impatient sort of spirit at church. i don't even really know where it would come from--except for maybe not having enough time to prepare for church. but lately they have been just what they should be. today i feel as if a huge heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders. it is amazing. where did it go? i just felt so light happy and full of love for the people around me. i wish that i could feel like this all the time.
we invited deb brooks over for dinner. we had spaghetti, which for most people i feel comfortable serving, but this was deb. she has had us over for some truly amazing dinners and all we made when she came over is spaghetti. just spaghetti. no salad. no garlic bread. and plain chocolate cake for dessert. by plain i mean no icing on it. i felt a little sheepish having her over for such a meal. but of course she was very gracious. "i love spaghetti" she said emphatically. she is a very nice person. i don't know how she always seems to know something that our family needs and just gives it to us. she has good intuition i guess. i've been told that she likes me and i've heard of some of the nice things she's said about me and i'm always surprised. how have i caught her notice like that? brent loves bugging her. he is quite good at it. well...that's it. i hope you all had a good sunday.

the weakest link

tonight was the dreaded elder's quorum activity. dreaded because i was asked to participate in the game which was the weakest link. i did not want to do it. i hate being in those kind of situations--centre of attention type--especially when it involves competition--extra especially when it is a competition that involves church knowledge. i just can't help it if i know that stuff and i don't feel it is something to show off--which is something i always feel wary of in this ward for some reason. maybe it was because of attending institute classes on the book of mormon and dad was the teacher and i always knew all the answers and i don't like being a know-it-all. i agreed to do it because...i guess the idea of saying no didn't really seem like an option (but that just goes into my people pleasing problems and is a whole different entry in and of itself). but like i said earlier i really really did not want to be in it. the other contestants were tracy, michelle meade, tom the new guy from parksville, darrel walburger, deb brooks, susan, dad, paul meade, the bishop and myself. (delanie was also supposed to be in it but she was a no show--apparently she didn't really want to do it....ok...who did want to do it?) i asked everyone to vote me off, except for maybe tom the new guy. paul did and then he felt bad. "really it is ok. i really don't mind" i insisted, but he wouldn't do it. the bishop flatly refused and said he wanted to be the first to go. he was worried about being embarrassed. everytime it was my turn to answer the questions i got nervous. i did not want to look dumb--they weren't all church questions. so long story short (ok so it is not so short, but i'm not giving you the play by play am i?) i made it to the final 2. there was no strategy to my playing other than trying to get voted off. i voted for darrel twice hoping that he would seek revenge. instead he was voted the weakest link. and then i voted for dad--just because. i didn't think he was the weakest link and no one had voted for him, so i did. and he was voted off. i felt bad. he looked a little sad. anyways, i made it to the final 2. this was a disaster. how could everyone let me down like this? now i had to go head to head with deb brooks for 5 questions in front of everyone. and then we were tied and had to continue on. aaahhh! it was tortuous. in the end i lost which is actually good. (because of the whole know-it-all-clarke thing) and i got a pretty cool prize. i got a camel back. apparently it is a pretty good one. so hopefully i will like running with it. tomorrow we will have mary and madelaine for the whole day. madelaine i am used to. it is beginning to be a regular weekend thing. mary i am just not sure about. when dough asked me my first question was is she toilet trained? which really shouldn't be part of the issue, but the learning stage is just bad and i have to say i don't like taking kids on during that time....or the diaper stage if we are going to be perfectly honest. changing other kids poo is just gross. but i've come to really like having madelaine over. after i threatened that if nat was unhappy mad would go home, things changed and when i make them clean their room she is really good at it. things get done much quicker. well, it is another late night. i better go lie in my bed and think now.

i feel like it is time to update, but nothing is coming to my mind. my life is just not interesting. i need an outlet, but i just feel like i'm supposed to keep this to myself. i am not getting enough sleep. i stay up too late avoiding thinking about stuff. sometimes i wish i could just disappear into some sort of fantasy world where everything turns out right and i only have to watch or read and not do anything to make things unfold. i feel poised on the brink of big changes in my life and i'm just not sure if i should turn and run or jump in. the pressure to be who people think i am is overwhelming. how did i give them that impression? i'm just not that good and when i stay up late i'm even worse. my poor kids pay the price. arrgh! ok. enough reflection. i better get busy and distract myself.

last night i slept like a geisha

i had been having a yearning to have sarah do my hair--not cut or colour it, but do something with it--like give me a cool updo. so on sunday i mentioned that to her and it turned out her class this week was all about updos for prom. they were supposed have their clients come in and do a run through so there would be no surprises for prom night. and in typical jerkish fashion, sarah did not get booked. it really bugs me how she is treated there. but this time, it kind of worked to my advantage because sarah got to get her own model to practice on, and i was the chosen one. i got there a few minutes late and sarah was busy working on someone else. turns out that one of the stylists thought he could order her around and have her set one of his clients like she is some sort of subservient. they just don't deserve to have her there. anyways, sarah gave me a pretty cool updo and then i went home. it seemed like a waste to just go to bed when my hair looked so fancy, but there was nothing else to do so i slept geisha style and i think it was preserved. it is a little fuzzy but nothing that i little gel can't fix. so yeah...that is my interesting post...

the weekend

i've had a pretty busy/hectic weekend, but it has been mostly in a good way. a friend of mine from my long lost ysa days was visiting nanaimo. tania (was iwaasa but now is) armstrong. her brother was my district leader in my first area and my japanese companion had a crush on him, so he was soon transferred away. anyways, she married bob armstrong--marlene armstrong's son and they were in town for a visit. it was really nice seeing her and being updated on all my old friends. i found out about junko and herb. junko married derrick mc...... and lives in richmond. laura could you please please pleeeeassse get me her phone number? tania has 3 kids and the oldest one is just one month younger than nat so we met up at the park one day and on friday i picked mic up from school and met tania at the pool. (turns out that mic's ballet teacher that she has had for the last 3 years is bob's sister and an inactive member. i was so surprised! she knew i was a member and she never let on.) we stayed at the pool for over 3 hours. then we rushed home and got there just before brent got there. after brent had cleaned up--and by cleaned up i mean cleaned himself--we dropped the girls off at the meades to watch narnia and have a "half sleepover." we had a brief stopover at quizno's and then rushed off to port alberni. we were supposed to be there by 6 and brent didn't even get home until 5 so we had to hustle. brent had packed up the laptop for me to play with and watch a movie but i couldn't. the roads were just to windy: i felt sick. about half way there i confirmed to brent "you know how to get there right?" "no. i haven't been there since i was 16" (this actually wasn't true--he had gone there on a high counsel assignment) "well, i've never been there. how are we supposed to get there?" he handed me the phone and said call someone. i didn't know really who to call because jord and tracy had already left so i called dad. needless to say we didn't get very good directions and brent drove aimlessly around alberni. maybe he was hoping he would remember something--i don't know. it was frustrating because it started at 7 and i was worried we would miss it and we weren't getting anywhere. so then brent makes me call the chapel and ask for audrey to get directions. well i'm waiting for someone to find audrey, brent finds it and tells me to hang up. the alberni ward was hosting a festival of choirs and had invited a bunch of choirs from other churches. it was quite interesting. the catholic choir consisted of about 7 very elderly people. and another choir was 6 old ladies. in one choir the song kept repeating thank God i'm not....not what i used to be and the people would close their eyes and raise one hand up in the air. brent says that they do that to share the feeling they have with everyone else--sort of like an antenna. i know that i could be a little biassed but i think our choir had the best songs. audrey is really good at that sort of thing. we were the only other lds choir besides alberni ward's. the building was packed and probably 10 or more choirs sang. last of all, all the choirs sang together a song called the alleluia fugue. it was quite a powerful thing to be a part of. at the end there was a presenation for all the choir directors. someone in the back stood up and yelled "give God thanks" i heard a couple amens but after asking him to repeat himself the people conducting the meeting just continued on. afterall, we were just about to have a closing prayer and all the songs were also about praising and thanking the Lord. i just thought it was very presumptuous and rude of him to think he needed to correct the church in which he was a guest and to tell them how to do things. but who knows, maybe that is how things are done in his church. afterwards we snagged a few refreshments and then went home. i don't think it was the most fun date night especially for brent and actually, i'm surprised he went for it. the next morning mom phoned and invited us over for a pancake breakfast. as most of you know this is rather uncharacteristic of mom but eugene and kathy were visiting and she wanted some kids to come over to help them have fun. we stayed there for a few hours. it has been a long time since i have seen them, but they looked pretty much the same. they have a girl the same age as mic and an 11 year old that wasn't much taller than mic (they actually have the same name) that loves to play with little kids so she kept nat happy. they wanted to go to the pool. i was not really for this activity seeing as i spent all afternoon there the day before, but we ended up going. we didn't stay for as long, but the girls and i had fun. brent refused to swim with us. he slept in the van most of the time. too bad for him. he missed out and it bugs me that he can be so stubborn about such things. the girls aren't going to be like this for long. after swimming we were soo exhausted and hungry. we got pizza and put the girls to bed and then brent went to bed. i stayed up watching gilmore girls. i laughed outloud when they were arguing about who had bigger boobs. andrea was just like lauralei in this one: in denial. this morning brent got up before me. i can't remember the last time that has happened--especially on a sunday. but he got up and made the dough for the buns we're supposed to bring for potluck. we had to make a lot of buns. it isn't the normal sunday for potluck but mom did it because of eugene and kathy. we are having one again next week just for the twins birthday. talk about spoiled. laura, you should tell mom you are coming home 2 weeks after that for your birthday and see if she does a potluck for you. so it has been busy and now i'm at home thinking about the week ahead and i feel a weight. responsibilities can be so heavy.

nat-shabat: out of the mouth of babes...

these are a couple conversations that nat had when i was not there with a friend of mine who is taking the discussions but not progressing a whole lot.
nat: i'm my mommy's baby
erin: yeah. do you think your mommy's going to have another baby?
nat: yeah, but i'm excited for your baby. have you askedHeavenly Father to help you? Heavenly Father can help you have a baby.
(erin and joe have been unsuccessfully trying for over a year to have a baby--something that nat does not know)
nat: i want to show you something but my mommy said i have to stay in my chair.
erin: why don't you show me and then get back in your chair.
nat: ok.
she then got down from her chair and knelt down in front of erin. bowing her head and closing her eyes she said:
nat: this is how you talk to Heavenly Father. dear Heavenly Father, please help erin and joe to have a baby...
she proceded to say a prayer
nat: that is how to talk Heavenly Father. will you try it?
erin told me it was so beautiful she almost started crying. the next day nat said this to her:
nat: my dad told me that you can't live with Jesus and Heavenly Father unless you are baptized
(brent had taught her primary class and it was about baptism)
erin: i'm not baptized
nat: gasp...well you know what to do about that

in memory of last conference