9/11

9/11 brings a whole different set of memories and loss for me. when i woke up in the morning of september 11th, 2000, i sensed right away that something wasn't right. my baby did not move and my life changed forever. the next year (september 11th, 2001) people all over suffered loss and the country grieved, but i was already grieving. in some ways though, it was a milestone for me. in 2001, when i woke up, my baby was still moving. in some strange way i felt lighter because she had survived that day--like this time round really would be different. corey died on the 11th but he was born on the 12th. so every year we go out for dinner and get flowers to remember him by. his birth was the first time my house was filled with the powerful smell of lilies and so the flowers we get every year must have lilies in the bouquet. i love them, and the smell no longer brings me back to that time. i miss him. i wish i didn't have to have such a difficult time having babies. this year particularly my luck feels a little run out in that department. that is how it is explained: just bad luck--a fluke--no reason why this should ever happen again. but there was never any apparent reason for it to happen in the first place, so i don't really find the sentiment comforting. yet in spite of all this, i feel at peace with the way things have turned out. i love my family. i love my little girl that came after corey. i love the relationship that she and mic have and i wouldn't have it any other way. every now and then the ache comes back though. i wish i could see him. i wish i knew what he looked like. i wish he were here today.