katie-lou-hoo

i feel full of frustration and sadness. potluck was just ruined and i don't feel like going anymore. when i try to say how i feel nobody understands and just puts everything back on me. no one stands up for me or what i'm trying to say. brent is just some incapable bitter idiot according to what they say. no real attempt at looking at it other than to say brent is insufficient. i hate the clarke superiority complex. like asking them to talk about something besides hockey was causing them to lose some of the easiness of being as a family or that it meant "walking on eggshells" for brent. evan can be a jerk and nobody cares. when we're together as a family they shouldn't have to try to make someone else feel welcome--it is too much effort. even though i said something several times to change the subject they just couldn't because it wouldn't be natural. that was really the justification?!! i just feel frustrated because i got emotional and i just couldn't defend myself or my family and it ended up being that brent is a special case and we shouldn't expect such high things of him. and what happened today was wrong! at first it might have been thoughtlessness, but once i brought it to their attention it was indifference and complete self asorption. the schofields are stubborn and bitter and determined to see everything in a bad light. well the clarkes are arrogant and self-centered and only care about numbers and not people. it is not exactly easy being around everyone and their babies. and i am tired about the baby comments to me. no one seems to understands that my pregnancy ended in trauma--so much blood and feeling weak so quickly and so out of control with what happened to my body. getting pregnant again is a scary thing for me. losing corey was terrible--i went to a place so black, so bereft of joy. i don't want to grieve anymore. sorry this is so negative. i just needed to vent.