i can feel the depression moving in. it is seeping in the cracks of my quieter times. it is trying to press in on me and prevent all my activity. but i'm busy. i hardly have time to notice it. the quiet times hardly ever happen but the depression is there lurking; waiting to come out. i want to give in and wallow. i want to ponder on how unfair life can be. i want to do nothing. i want to feel sorry for myself but whenever i think "why me?" or "poor me" i always think of people that have it way worse than me. i wish i could shut off that reasoning sometimes because it makes me think that i shouldn't feel so sad. and i have all these things i need to do--things that i want to do like put up our christmas tree and finish christmas preparations. but right now, or whenever i have the time i don't want to. and i feel detached from my feelings. like i'm standing there watching these emotions come up and i wonder why they are here and how to make them go away. and i feel alone--not because there aren't people that care, but because i'm the one that this has happened to and has to go through it and though i know they care it just doesn't lift the lonliness of my grief. i guess i shouldn't really be surprised. i've been here before and it was the same thing then. i'm sorry for writing such a downer of a post. i just need to give some expression to my feelings. don't worry about me; i'll be ok.

mclintock

last night was my quiet friday night at home night. problem was, i didn't have anything to do. so i ended up watching mclintock on tv. it was a john wayne movie co-starring maureen o'hara (the mom in parent trap). she was feisty and mad at her husband and had just returned to meet her daughter who was returning from school. john wayne claimed he didn't know why she was so mad at him and acted mostly indifferent to her--except when he got drunk one night. that night he came home singing about how he loved her. the daughter was pretty and the boys fought for her attention. she was a little feisty like her mother--especially to the boy that you know she is going to end up with. at one point her turns her over his lap and spanks her with her father looking on. the movie culminates with john wayne chasing his wife through the town with everyone in the town following and laughing. his wife (named katie or katherine) was in the middle of getting changed when the chase starts and as the chase continues she keeps losing more and more of her underclothing. (the movie is set in the pre-car era and so she had a lot of underclothes on) she is more and more humiliated and everybody just follows and laughs. when he finally catches her he turns her over his knee and spanks her. and somehow that makes everything good!? i can't believe that in the 60s that was acceptable. i know that the movie is loosely based on the taming of the shrew, but come on!

aaahhhh leverage

the girls are up cleaning their room. nat is even helping and into it. mic is not complaining that nat isn't helping. in fact behind me right now nat is saying that she wants to clean up and urging mic to help her. every few minutes or so they come down and say they are ready for me to "check" their room and see if it is good enough. each time i go up and find one of their hiding spots where they stuff things that they don't want to put away. they have a lot of them. then they have to clean that stuff up. the annoying thing is that i keep finding some of the same toys. don't they get it? they can't hide it from me. oh that i could always have this leverage. what is the currency i have to motivate my daughters? presents. nat had her birthday party today. she's not allowed to get any out of the packaging until their room is clean to my satisfaction. and i'm feeling pretty picky. i have to use it while i've got it. maybe i can draw the process out by only allowing one present a day. hehhehheh.
i am so tired. i wish i could just relax and not have to worry about the next big thing i have to do. but the next big thing is teach relief society this sunday. there'll be no relaxing for me just yet. although i may just procrastinate a little tonight. this week has been something major every 2 days. i'm ready to be done.

the morning after...

so i taught my lesson. the bishop told me 30 minutes and then he ended up wanting me to use 15 minutes. as a result, he only got 10 minutes. that guy forgets sometimes what he asks of you. when it came down to it, i wasn't nearly as freaked out as i thought i would be. it was like teaching any other class. or at least that is how i treated it. maybe i was a little too simplistic or came across condescending...i don't know. i'm used to teaching the youth. i do have more experience then them, but not the adults. but i found that if i thought of it that way i just couldn't do it, so i stopped thinking of everyone as my superiors, and more as my equals. i did get a little heckling and dad was bothered that his answer didn't have a strip. he even came up after class to argue with me about it. and i got a lot of other people to come up and share their personal experiences. what can i say...i delegate whenever i can. and not just because it is what you are supposed to do, but because i'm a chicken and i'd rather get some people to help me. the bishop made me lead the music. why? WHY does he insist on doing that to me? just at the last minute he announces that i'm leading the music! i'm not like his wife! not all women in the church can lead music ok? the last time i had to do that was on my mission. it has been over 10 years since i have led the music. besides that, i was already teaching the lesson. it doesn't have to be a 1-man show. so actually, my legs starting shaking when i was doing it. i was more nervous leading the music than teaching the lesson. it didn't help that the piano player didn't always keep time with me--then i'd have to slow down to be in time with him. and what exactly is my purpose of being up there if that is the way it happens? in the end i received a lot of positive comments on the lesson, but it was hard for me to believe. what is wrong with me? i just couldn't help thinking they were just being nice because they knew how scared i was. maybe because one person commented on how fluent i was. i'm glad it is done, but now i have another lesson to prepare for next week. and a birthday party. and halloween. i feel a little stressed. we haven't even carved our pumpkin yet. we were supposed to do it today for fhe, but now the girls are going to a party and they don't have time. ah well i better get to work.

today was my baby's first cross country meet. i was surprised actually, that she signed up for it, but she did. i asked her if she was going to join cross country, but she didn't give a very enthusiastic reply so i thought that was that. she started wanting to run with me this summer and grandpa bought her special running shoes. then this fall, i started all over (i have been walk/running carefully trying to not get shinsplints again) and mic usually comes with me. she didn't realize until yesterday though that it was a race and then she didn't want to do it. because she wouldn't win. sounds like someone else i know. but i told her winning wasn't important and that we would be proud of her for just doing her best. i didn't really know how she'd do because, like a typical kid, she doesn't like to push herself. i've seen her run at school runs and she does a lot of walking. when i got there dad had gotten mad in the race too. i wasn't too happy about that because i don't like them competing against each other and mad always seems to be better than mic. and i knew how mic was worried about not winning and stuff. i personally think that kids who are 8 shouldn't compete against kids that are 9. they are still young enough that it makes a big difference. in the end mic actually finished before mad, but still i don't think it was nice for mad to have that comparison either. mic got 13th place and ran the whole 1.5kms without stopping. i was very proud of her. a lot of the girls that finished before her were from her school and they were in grade 4, so i think she was one of the top 8 yr olds in the race. and it appears that my worries about mic and mad competing against each other were unfounded. they were both very pleased and each congratulated the other.

i brought mad home with me to play with the girls. i forgot that i was supposed to go help with the missionary luncheon. i forgot that i am going visiting teaching after school. hopefully diana doesn't mind if there is one more kid. i am forgetting a lot of stuff like that this week. i made an appointment on tuesday and forgot that i was supposed to help out at the library at that time. i'm feeling flaky. i don't like being a flake.

wow--2 days in a row...i don't know what has gotten into me. either i'm back in the flow, or i'm procrastinating figuring out the lesson i have to teach on sunday. i really don't want to teach it. i've always disliked the combined 5th sunday meetings and now i find myself having to do one. and my topic is so broad: emotional and spiritual strength. you can go anywhere with that. unless you are me--then you go no where.

tomato knife

once upon a time there was a girl that had nothing but crappy knives. the knife she used the most had a broken handle and so in essence did not even really have a handle. one christmas the girl's husband asked her what she wanted for christmas. the girl was fed up with such useless kitchen tools and so she told her husband she wanted a knife--one that cut tomatoes and cheese. (of course she also asked for clothes, but her husband refuses to buy her clothes). the girl's husband was surprised that that was all she wanted (besides clothes) and so he determined to spend almost his whole alloted budget on a knife for his wife. in fact he bought her 2 knives. a cheese knife and a tomato knife. now, chances are you have heard of a cheese knife but have never heard of a tomato knife. but yes such a thing does indeed exist. the girl was very surprised christmas morning when she got the 2 knives. even though she had asked for a knife that cut tomatoes she never thought he would take her so literally and she was thinking more along the lines of "stocking stuffers" not "main present." but as time went by the girl grew to love her tomato knife. it became her most used knife. she used it for cutting all produce and it cut so beautifully that she forgot her previous hardship of terrible cutting utensils. she took good care of her knife and never used it for anything except produce (there was one time actually that she let her sister-in-law use it to cut pepperoni or something like that but if the truth be told it was a little hard for her allow). the girl took it anywhere she would be cutting tomatoes--barbecues, picnics, camping trips but it always came back to her house safely with the rest of the stuff. there was one time that the cheese knife didn't come back from the canada day picnic in parksville and the girl felt very sad and mourned for her knife. she comforted herself by telling herself that at least she still had her tomato knife and that was the one she used all the time. the cheese knife was just for cheese. a week or so later the girl went to a barbecue with her brother and his family. she was surprised to see her sister-in-law cutting with the girl's cheese knife and quickly took it back. (her sister-in-law had just assumed that they had fabulous 50 dollar knives at the office.) the girl was happy to once again have both her special knives back and hoped that her cheese knife wasn't ruined by her sister-in-law cutting everything and anything with the knife. the girl lived on in happy slicing bliss until one day she couldn't find her tomato knife anywhere. she searched everywhere and couldn't find it. finally she gave up and started cutting with a different knife. it was useless. she couldn't make dinner with such a useless tool and so she searched again. this time she found it in the kitchen drawer. (not where it belonged) and to her dismay it was BROKEN!!! sob. how did it get broken? her mother had babysat the night before and did the dishes. could she have broken it? no....last time she babysat she had broken the girl's glass measuring cup, but she had been upfront about it and had promised to buy her a new one (a promise by the way that has yet to be kept and that was a useful kitchen tool to) but the girl couldn't think of any other answer, so she called her mother. sure enough, the girl's mother had broken it. she was closing the drawer and all of a sudden she heard a snap and when she looked in the drawer there was the broken knife. the mother didn't want to believe that she had done it and so she buried it under other stuff and hoped her daughter wouldn't notice. when the girl asked her mother about it her mother admitted that she had broken it and said that she had lots of knives and her daughter could pick any one she wanted. trouble is, the girl didn't want any of her mother's knives. she wanted her special tomato knife. her mother didn't have any of those. the girl's knife was such a nice knife that it had a warranty and so her husband took it to get a new one. the place he had bought it from had changed ownership and didn't deal with that brand anymore. so...now the girl hates cooking. everytime she cuts vegetables and has to saw back and forth her heart cries out for her tomato knife. working in the kitchen will never be the same again. moral of the story? i think it is to not let your mother do your dishes.

the thing that never happens to laura and often to me, has happened again

i'm sick. i'm not sure if it is an age thing, or a not having a cold for a long time thing, or just this is a real bad cold thing but i don't remember feeling this sick with a cold. and cold fx did NOTHING! i'm beginning to wonder at its efficacy. the day i came down with it i went to bed eary (and by early i mean 10:30 or so--i'm somewhat of an insomniac)but i had a terrible sleep. i woke up around 1:30 and felt like it should be morning--probably because i don't just wake up like that--and my teeth were aching. i thought maybe i was clenching them and so i tried to make an effort to relax my jaw. that was when i realized that i had to have been sleeping with my mouth open or i wouldn't be able to breathe. the night passed tortuously slow and i never partook of the respite that sleep usually is when one has a cold. brent offered to take the van and take the kids to school for me, but seeing as i would have to pick them up at separate times, taking the van didn't seem like much of a help. when i came downstairs he had a cup of licorice tea steeping for me. to add to everything, yesterday was "the get the work done day" at school. book fair, book orders, picture day, and open house. nat got mustard all over her shirt and had to change, mic filled out my cheques for me, and i did hair. i'm pretty sure nat will have a very unnatural smile in hers--but it'll still be cute because it is nat. the girls were both pretty excited to show us around the school. this time we only made it to the classrooms. no music room or computer lab. ms. derbyshire showed us all the pics she had of ave and zach. she told me the story again of how zach gave up being helper to another boy who didn't want to leave the classroom when it was time to go somewhere. nat introduced us and i rudely refused the proffered hand. i felt rude, but i was clutching a used tissue in my hand. would you want to shake hands with someone who was holding that? i did it to both teachers. it's lovely meeting people when you have a red nose. mic's teacher raved about her being a model student. he says she is happy to be there and to do the work and works quietly and independently and is a real pleasure to have in the class. later that night brent told me that he thinks mic will be like him and nat like trina...?!!! no they won't! and i just don't know how he thinks he has always been a good little boy. he just wasn't. and nat is fairly well-behaved too. she is just full of energy all the time and a little fiesty. we have plenty of those genes in the clarke side. it just isn't fair to compare her to mic who is also 3 and 1/2 years older than her. it bugged because i don't think they will be like anyone else.
by the way...a weird thing happened the other day. our hometeachers were over and nat was having a hard time sitting still (that's not the weird part) and so sis. patterson invited her to sit on her lap. nat did her shy face and went to sit on her. nat had her hair pulled back into two little "knobbies" and was wearing a white shirt with a little red and blue flower on it. as i looked at her i suddenly saw this picture of myself with short hair wearing a similar shirt. i'm sitting on a little chair. i think grandpa took it. i've never really thought nat looked like me, but i saw something that night--it was almost eery.
it is friday night and i am bored. brent is working and has the van. i tried to watch a movie, but i've watched all my movies recently. then i remembered the movies brent burned for me. i got out maid in manhattan and settled down at the computer to watch it....wouldn't work. we don't have the codec anymore. not wanting to give up too easily, i thought i'd try the laptop...not here. so i do the only thing left for me to do. i call brent. while i'm complaining to brent and he can't do anything about it i hear deb in the background saying to call matt. so she and brent put together a plan for matt to bring me a greek salad with a chick flick i don't own. my husband is good to me.

"Choose to accept--truly accept--that you are a child of God, that He loves you and that He has the power to help you"

it is a beautiful sunny monday morning and i still feel the glow from my day of spiritual feasting. not that i did anything special. in fact i spent most of the day at the church in meetings. i was there from 10 until 5:30. brent was very irate on the way home and to emphasize his feelings he drove like an idiot--fast acceleration that caused us to fishtail around corners. i sat there in silence knowing he was wrong but not wanting to fight about it. i prayed to know the best way to respond to his temper. and somehow i was able to dispel it and keep my cool. he was able to let go and we had a nice evening.
i reread elder hale's conference talk today. it is such a good talk. (i wish i could be even an little bit as eloquent and wise when i have to give a talk as the general authorities are) as i starting reading it i noticed that it was all marked up, so i asked brent if he had done it. nope--it was me and as i read it again i remembered why. such a good inspiring talk. the point i am focussing on today is the one i used for my title. it is such a fundamental belief. it seems to me that in the church we all know in theory that we are children of God, but maybe we don't necessarily accept it. if we did we would never question our self-worth. when i worked in young women's it seemed that every one of the girls struggled with this. i think it is satan's great tool against women--to lower their self esteem. small children don't have low self esteem. they are confident that they are loved and wonderful and beautiful and good at what they do. they don't question it and they don't feel ashamed for thinking that way. i wish it didn't change. if i could only pass one thing on to my daughters it would be this--that they are beloved daughters of God. and that He has the power to help us. so today i am trying to remember in all that i do, God has the power to help me. that means i can do anything.

9/11

9/11 brings a whole different set of memories and loss for me. when i woke up in the morning of september 11th, 2000, i sensed right away that something wasn't right. my baby did not move and my life changed forever. the next year (september 11th, 2001) people all over suffered loss and the country grieved, but i was already grieving. in some ways though, it was a milestone for me. in 2001, when i woke up, my baby was still moving. in some strange way i felt lighter because she had survived that day--like this time round really would be different. corey died on the 11th but he was born on the 12th. so every year we go out for dinner and get flowers to remember him by. his birth was the first time my house was filled with the powerful smell of lilies and so the flowers we get every year must have lilies in the bouquet. i love them, and the smell no longer brings me back to that time. i miss him. i wish i didn't have to have such a difficult time having babies. this year particularly my luck feels a little run out in that department. that is how it is explained: just bad luck--a fluke--no reason why this should ever happen again. but there was never any apparent reason for it to happen in the first place, so i don't really find the sentiment comforting. yet in spite of all this, i feel at peace with the way things have turned out. i love my family. i love my little girl that came after corey. i love the relationship that she and mic have and i wouldn't have it any other way. every now and then the ache comes back though. i wish i could see him. i wish i knew what he looked like. i wish he were here today.

i feel full of frustration and sadness. potluck was just ruined and i don't feel like going anymore. when i try to say how i feel nobody understands and just puts everything back on me. no one stands up for me or what i'm trying to say. brent is just some incapable bitter idiot according to what they say. no real attempt at looking at it other than to say brent is insufficient. i hate the clarke superiority complex. like asking them to talk about something besides hockey was causing them to lose some of the easiness of being as a family or that it meant "walking on eggshells" for brent. evan can be a jerk and nobody cares. when we're together as a family they shouldn't have to try to make someone else feel welcome--it is too much effort. even though i said something several times to change the subject they just couldn't because it wouldn't be natural. that was really the justification?!! i just feel frustrated because i got emotional and i just couldn't defend myself or my family and it ended up being that brent is a special case and we shouldn't expect such high things of him. and what happened today was wrong! at first it might have been thoughtlessness, but once i brought it to their attention it was indifference and complete self asorption. the schofields are stubborn and bitter and determined to see everything in a bad light. well the clarkes are arrogant and self-centered and only care about numbers and not people. it is not exactly easy being around everyone and their babies. and i am tired about the baby comments to me. no one seems to understands that my pregnancy ended in trauma--so much blood and feeling weak so quickly and so out of control with what happened to my body. getting pregnant again is a scary thing for me. losing corey was terrible--i went to a place so black, so bereft of joy. i don't want to grieve anymore. sorry this is so negative. i just needed to vent.

billy bones part ii

orienting the compass



mic finds a hidden clue






papa explains the compass





going down the final trail--almost there!






triumphant pirates




look at all the goods!

do you have a message for billy bones?

i don't know if anyone still checks my blog, but i feel it is time for an update. so bear with me because i am going to backtrack and write about some events that happened earlier this summer.
back before school was out the girls got a special invitation in the mail. they were invited to have a grandparents day with their schofield grandparents. mic was really excited and couldn't wait. as do most trips, this one began with a heart pounding ride to the ferry. it doesn't seem to matter how early i leave, i'm always worried about missing the ferry. (i wouldn't be surprised if frequent ferry users have higher blood pressure) anyways we got there in plenty of time but there were a lot of cars in front of us. the loading process as agonizing for us. at last the last car in the previous row could be seen...and then they stopped it. we were four cars back in the next row. i thought that was it. especially when they loaded a big semi. then i heard nat say a little prayer. it was so cute and completely on her own. no one had said anything about saying a prayer. so i said a little prayer that her act of faith would be rewarded. finally they let the car go and then the next one and the next one and then us! we were the last car on--such a different feeling than when you are the first car to not go on.
on the ferry i found an electrical outlet and set the girls up watching a movie on the laptop. i occupied myself doing their hair. it took almost the whole ferry ride. their hair was really snarly--it's what happens when i only do their hair once a week and they do lots of swimming. i realized when i got on the ferry that i didn't have laura's work number with me so i had to hope that brent would get home from work before she left work. luckily that too worked out. we eventually met up on highway 10 and started the long traffic-congested drive to aldergrove. i had also left my directions at home and brent didn't want to bother reading it all to me so it took even longer than it had to. who knew that the fraser highway turns into a one way shopping street in downtown langley?
the schofields were really excited to see the girls. they had a treasure hunt all planned out for them. before they started the hunt ron explained to them what an "orb" was and "site" he was so funny. he spelled it out for them and had them repeat the word. hehe. the girls had to go to some neighbours and ask them if they had a message for billy bones (something that he made brent do before) they started off quite shy but they warmed up to it. ron also taught them how to orient a compass and they had to use it as well. he was so excited he couldn't stop himself from giving away the answers. at the end they found a beautiful treasure box--quite large too. it was full of things for the girls. they got some clothes, new beach towels, and lots of candy.
in this happy state of affairs laura and i managed to extricate ourselves. we decided to to go somewhere that had yam fries. consequently we all got some. karey and elicia came too. (i think maybe they wouldn't have come if brent was there which is too bad because he can be a fun guy to do things with) it was fun to be out with the girls.
the next day laura and i got threaded. i was a little apprehensive about the pain factor and also not liking what she did. as it turned out she was about to start on me without saying a word, but laura jumped in and spoke for me. (i think laura has always done that kind of thing for me) it didn't hurt at first but as she continued it got more painful and i began to wonder if i had any eyebrow left at all. but to my amazement, there was still plenty of dark eyebrow left and not even that much of a change--no one even noticed when i came home.
from there we went to mec for laura to get a backpack just like karey's. i have never known someone to be so particular about their gym bag! nothing was just right and we were about to leave when laura saw it: karey's backpack.
then we went to robson for some fun shopping. we were on the lookout for a bag for me. i've been ready to give up the "diaper bag" for some time now and laura was the person to help me find the right one. it was a hard decision when it came down to it but i settled finally on a cool green bag from aldo.
also while out with laura, we went to a place for her to use her gift certificate on makeup. i admitted to laura that i hadn't worn eyeshadow since i was a teenager and wouldn't even know how to put it on so she got one of the makeup people to put some very natural looking eyeshadow on me. i couldn't really tell the difference but it looked like fun in the store. all the girls were wearing extreme makeup that you probably couldn't get away with anywhere else.
anyways, i felt very girly after my day with laura--like i'd had a little mini makeover or something.

i know it has been awhile. i've even had some good things to write about, but it is just a classic case of waiting too long and then losing my momentum. i am sitting here waiting for deborah to come over. it is very late. and instead of writing about the fun great things that have happened this summer i feel heavy. (is that a strange thing to say? it isn't in japanese so now i think it must be...but it describes how i am feeling) it just feels like everybody has so much pain and suffering. i guess that is what happens when i go to see the bishop. i go there with my head full of my own challenges and think to myself that somebody with fewer problems should be doing this. and then i hear about a bunch of other much more serious problems. it doesn't lighten my heart...it just makes me wonder if there is ever an end. i know there are reprieves--moments when everything feels just right and i look at my precious little family and see how richly i have been blessed. i just wish those moments would last a little longer. brent will be leaving tomorrow morning to go work in port alberni. the only way we can see to make this worthwhile is for him to stay up there until the week is over. so he is going to be sleeping in the van and showering at the lake. (i noticed last year that there are showers there). he left today but it turned out that they just needed him to fill out paper work and so i talked him into coming back home. that old familiar feeling of emptiness combined with lonliness didn't take long to settle down on me after he left today. but i am more worried about him. it is a demoralizng thing to be away from your family and even more so to do when you are living out of your van--especially when you are eating peanut butter sandwiches and yucky superstore cheerios with powdered milk. you feel you are doing hard things and life just feels that much harder. while i was writing this deborah arrived with a carload of snacks and treats for brent. she has to be one of the most giving peple i know. and she is so intuitive with her generousity. and funny as it may seem, my heart feels lighter already. (it's amazing what food can do for me) i had fun repacking brent's stuff. brent will be gone tomorrow so who knows...maybe i'll write about the more fun things in my summer.

i started to write about our canada day on sunday but i was distracted by a very long phone call from andrea. due to the said phone call i was not able to go on a run. it is a new rule i have. i have to have a good sleep in order to go on a run. i'm trying a new approach--love and take care of my body instead of forcing it to perform. that is something i have done for a long time. i pushed myself no matter how tired i was to do things and it was starting to take its toll. i was starting to get the amy-red-eye-syndrome. so now i must have a good nights sleep if i want to exercise. so far it seems to be working. i'm marathon training so i have to run so i have to get a good sleep. it helps that it is summer time and i don't have to get up so early to go on a run and if i don't get up on time mic and nat just come with me on my run-- and since it is a good deal harder to push nat and run i have a little motivation to get to bed on time.
anyways, back to parksville. on saturday brent woke up early and went to work (which was not exactly according to plan. he was supposed to wait for me do my run. i woke up early to go and he was already gone so mic and nat had to come with me) he figured he would be done in just a couple hours, but karen kept giving him more things to do so he never got home until 2 and he was supposed to start at romans at 4. he made me call deb to see if she really needed him to work (i love how he always makes me make the awkward calls--especially when it comes to money) deb said she would call if it got really busy. then our time was spent talking about what to do. these talks always seem so unproductive! brent just wanted to stay home and do nothing until it was time to go to parksville to watch the fireworks in case deb called him. i had cabin fever and was ready to go do something because that had been the plan all day. brent had taken the car to work in the morning (not part of the original plan either) and we were just waiting for him (who was "almost done" every time we called.) finally i hit the key thing to motivate brent to get moving--food. i found something that he was excited about bbqing and the ball started rolling. as it turned out we didn't get to parksville any earlier than originally planned but at least we were doing something together.
we found a good spot close to the beach to watch the fireworks. brent amused himself watching a group of young adults sitting nearby. one was really drunk and carrying an almost empty bottle of some form of liquor. after seeing him punch a guy that was driving by three times in the face for no apparent reason, brent got up and left. i knew exactly where he was going and felt a little uncomfortable because i thought it would be so obvious. not long after brent left four police officers descended down on us on their bikes. i was sitting with my back to this group but i could hear lots of what was said. the girls all played innocent--"i'm not drinking, i'm the driver. i didn't know you weren't allowed unopened alcohol here." i don't know how they thought that would convince them--what is the point of bringing it to the beach if you are going to keep it closed the whole time. the police made them dump everything out and then they left. brent didn't return until it was almost done and they didn't seem to notice so i guess it wasn't that obvious. it was much quieter after they left.
sarah and kyle and amy came and we sat and ate junk food. there was a group of people there playing wooden xylophones (don't know the real name) that just added to the fuinki. sarah, amy and i went to have a look. one guy really got into it. he was sitting on a office chair and bouncing around like crazy. i love parksville beach at sunset. the tide was coming in. the water was smooth. the sky was pink and relected off of the water. beautiful. the fireworks were not bad--although the low shooting ones seem to go on and on forever. kyle had funny names for some of the kinds of fireworks--something like cracklies. the girls lay on their backs on the blanket to watch--their faces filled with the wonder of it all. it was a beautiful moment that just filled my heart with gratitude and love for my little family.

i spent the whole day today in the sun. going along on mic's field trip was...interesting. i got to see how mic interacts with the other kids and saw that basically, she doesn't. she does her own thing. it is not a matter of the other kids don't like her or exclude her. they invited her to play with them and she said no. i guess that means she's not a follower. she did let others join her though. it was kind of weird to see her so disconnected from all the other kids. it was also a little different for me. i like to go to the beach with my friends so i have somthing to do while the kids play. a lot of the parents that were there i didn't even know, and for some reason some of them seem so hard to talk with. it's weird. i don't have any issue like that with the ballet moms.
from the beach we went mini golfing. it was kind of funny to golf with little kids like this. one little girl in particular lied every time about how many times she hit the ball. none of them got the bit about letting the ball stop rolling before you hit it again. it was cute and they had fun. nat was quite intense as she struggled to sink the ball.
i was exhausted from a day in the sun, but then it was time for fhe at pipers. i really did not want to go, but we were supposed to bring our bbq. (probably why we always get invited when dough wants to bbq.) it was beautiful at pipers. it was windy but the wind was warm. how often does that happen? i could not resist the waters. there was no one else to swim with and i am a social swimmer. i just don't like doing it alone. but the waters beckoned me. it felt so refreshing. i find swimming in the ocean always reminds me of how small i am--just one little speck floating around on endless water. i was rejuvenated.

a little of this and that

it finally feels like summer is here. it is so hot today and (yay!) only 3 days of school left. i am so ready for school to be done. tomorrow mic has a field trip to parksville. they are picnicking at the park and then going mini golfing. i am a driver so my day tomorrow is pretty well taken up. it was a good day in church today. it was high counsel sunday, but surprisingly the talks were really good. brent was very amused by his imaginings that bethany was enraptured with the companion speaker. he was very cute. (i have to admit i am a little partial to redheads) he was very earnest and a little nervous. (brent accredited that to bethany staring up at him.) i think that he would be a good match for bethany. more her type than chip. in sunday school we had a new teacher and she was a nice change. i had even done all my reading. it was a sad topic though--david giving into temptation. that always seems to be such a deep tragedy.
mic gave a talk in primary and she read from her journal what she wrote about her baptism. it was very cute. she got the giggles when she got to the part about carmen dancing while she was singing. (a part not so amusing to me). because she got the giggles mic hid her face a little and then couldn't stop grinning when her talk was over. why is it that when we are in a serious situation and something strikes us as funny our mirth can be very hard to contain? like when i was a yw and it was yw sacrament sunday and i was sitting on the stand and the bishop was getting all emotional and something made me laugh (i don't remember what) and then i couldn't contain it. or even worse when i was yw president and we were having new beginnings and someone was doning a musical number and screwed up--what an inappropiate time to get the giggles!maybe that is why i was released.
in relief society i was asked to tell what i do to nurture my marriage and i mentioned how brent and i talk about the day or our plans or whatever. ironically now he doesn't want talk. my trying to strike up a conversation or do anything with him is annoying to him. he isn't even doing anything else. he is just sitting there. i suggested we go sit outside on our patio where it is cooler...not interested. i suggested doing something on the laptop...not interested. what is he doing now? sitting outside on the patio with the laptop. what is up with that?
so thus i am here giving escape to all my thoughts. the twins recital was....entertaining, but very very very very long. we're talking 3 hours long. trent arnott was at the door handing out programs and very reluctant about having to play the piano. amy and bethany both did a really good job--especially considering that they didn't have much time to prepare. there was one family that was particularly endearing. they could all play quite well for their ages--a girl about 8/9, boy 10/11 and the oldest boy 14ish. the middle boy gave his sister high fives everytime she performed. it was sweet. and then when the oldest was playing and had trouble with his music sister arnott went up to help him. all of a sudden the younger brother jumped up to assist. it amused me. he was so serious about it. i didn't even know the little kids that were playing yet i felt emotional at their accomplishments. what can i say...it was that time of month. the twins were funny with their vying for compliments. one must not say too much about one twin's playing without saying enough praise for the other twin as well. hehe
well this has become rather long and rambling, so i will end. IS SARAH EVER GOING TO HAVE HER BABY?!!

I can't sleep

it is 4:30 am. i have been awake for over an hour. mic woke me up. she wanted to get in our bed. brent told her to go back to her bed. she cried the heartbroken cry. she said we always let nat get in bed with us. this is entirely untrue. we always send her back. mic needs some one on one time. yesterday we had mic's birthday party. i am so glad it is done. finally, next weekend i have nothing looming up ahead of me. we had the party at roman's pizza (the pizza place that deb took over). she came in early just to do the party. brent did this game with the kids where they roll a giant die to decide what toppings go on the pizza. this meant that every pizza ended up having italian sausage on it. we got way too much pizza. on the bright side i don't have to cook this weekend. i just never feel like cooking on a saturday. i hate it when i can't sleep. why can't i? i just lie there thinking about visiting teaching. who knew there was so many people with such strong feelings about it? and i tried not to ruffle any feathers--just change what wasn't working. i've had people calling me and telling me i made a mistake and to change it back. problem is, that it is a process getting any changes made. it means at least 1 meeting and 2 appointments to get it done. and then there is the domino effect to deal with as well. and that is the part that is playing in my mind when all i want to do is sleep--how to adjust things. well, i know that is not that interesting to read about, but maybe if i write it out, it will stay out of my head long enough for me to sleep. i have to be at the church at 10:20 today. this means that i have to have the girls semi presentable before i leave. brent is just not reliable at this. which means that i really have little sleep in time. i'm a little nervous about my meetings today. last time i felt singled out and put on the spot. geri is coming with me to stand up for me though. haha. she won't let the bishop do that to me again. ok. this is boring and disjointed as all the thoughts whirling around in my head. i'm going to see if i can sleep now.

update

we find out today how brent's assessment went. he has been able to think of little else. i am not worried. he feels good about how things went. he found out that the saanich police paid a thousand dollars for his seat there that day, so they want him to succeed and they don't send someone there lightly.
on monday we were rejected for the 4 bedroom. they said we didn't have enough kids. no surprise there, except we lost the 3 bedroom that they'd offered to us. i don't really mind. i like where i live. i just don't like the feeling that our house is bursting at the seams with stuff. that part really bugs me.
thanks for all your supportive comments in regards to relief society. i've had a bit of a reprieve this week and it has been nice. sarah and i even got to have sister movie night and i also got in a bit of gilmore girls. sister jones called me this week to tell me she'd be away and give me some info and then said all these nice things about what it means to her and the other older ladies to have a young relief society president and also how much she enjoyed the lesson on sunday. funny, i've really come to appreciate her in relief society. i didn't know how much she did.

yesterday while on my run i was attacked by a crow. it was the scariest thing. i was just running along one of my usual routes and then a crow swooped down on me. it freaked me out. and then it did it again and again. i ran faster and tried zigzagging. it didn't help. i didn't know what to do so i ran into some trees where it couldn't swoop down on me like that. but the mean crow waited for me and when i emerged it swooped again. this time i screamed to see if that would help. it didn't seem to. it swooped 2 more times after that. i was so scared that i could hardly run after that. it took a lot for me to just slowly jog the rest of the way home. now i'm a little nervous to run down that road again. i guess its baby was out of the nest and it felt threatened.

so much has happened that i just don't know where to begin. my life is just picking up more and more speed. i feel like i'm running to do everything and can't get it all done and very little is done like i feel it should be done. first of all for the exciting news: brent was called by the saanich police force this week. he is gone tonight because he is having his day of assessment at the justice institute in new westminster tomorrow. this is the next step in the hiring process and is huge. it has been over a year since we've heard anything from them and we had pretty much given up on that ever happening. each police force gets a limited amount of seats for this day of assessment. (last year saanich only got 12 for the year and they were hiring 17) so it means that they are really interested in brent. the day of assessment is a full day where they put you in different situations to see how you respond. i'm pretty confident brent will have no problem. after this the only steps left are voice analysis (basically a polygraph test) and then a panel interview. i was the one who got the call from them and i wasn't sure how brent would respond. he had convinced me that he didn't really want to be a police officer. i had pushed for him to do more when he first started granite and then when he stopped but he gave me all these reasons...and i bought them and gave up on that dream. now i find out that brent was just convincing himself because he didn't think it would ever happen. problem is, i don't know how i feel about it all. i'm excited for brent. but i really don't want to move right now. i have never lived this long in one place and now i just don't want to move. and i can see a lot of the reasons why it wouldn't be so good for brent now. (thanks to his telling me) i'm finding it hard to keep changing my perspective and backing all the different dreams.

then the same day pacifica called and offered us a 3 bedroom in the same complex. once again i felt resistent to change. the 3 bedrooms don't border the park and i don't want the ugly flooring they are putting in all units after someone moves out. plus my garden. i have come to see that i have the best spot in the complex. (also the prettiest with the most flowers). then the next day they offered us the four bedroom. that was huge. there is only one in the whole complex. and only one family has lived there since layne and karen left. just think about all the room i would have. but i still have my reservations...one being why move to a spacious place if we are going to be moving to the victoria area where everything is as expensive as vancouver and where we will have to live in a small place? and there is the higher rent, fence in the back blocking my view of the park, ugly flooring and smaller garden issue still. we'll see. i have my walk through tomorrow morning.

friday was patrick and catherine's reception. i met a ghost from my edmonton days: sly. he married one of the hunter girls. at first i couldn't be sure it was him because for one thing he was much chubbier and also i never thought he would get married. for those of you that don't know, he was this extremely socially inept guy who had a big crush on me. (that was always the kind of guy i attracted) he was one of the guys that asked me the sweetheart dance. we were friends, but as always seems to be the case in such situations, if i was nice to him he got the wrong idea and then i would be mean and then i would feel bad and try to be nice...vicious circle. i wasn't sure if he remembered me or recognized me because he never said anything except for a barely audible howdy when i passed him in the hall. but when i approached him he remembered. even my name. i say the even my name part because when i first moved to edmonton he was the first person to ask me out. we went to a u of a basketball game where there were lots of other ysa. when he went to introduce me he couldn't remember my name. i was famous for that for a long time. everybody would pretend they couldn't remember my name. i was very embarassed. so when i saw him he acted a little awkward and that was it. it was kind of weird. the elder who baptized pat came too. he is from st. george. he said he was in the ward when i came home and then served in burnaby with a japanese elder and so i did some work with them. anyways, he said he would be insulted if we went to st george and didn't stay with them. that was nice, but we'll see if i even make it to st george this year.

yesterday was the girls' ballet recital. it was a pretty busy day. mic was in 2 dances. she did a good job. she is really starting to look like a ballerina. her teachers say that she will be ready to take her first exam in the fall which is a surprise because originally the plan was for the spring. the minimum age is 8 but they prefer 9. nat's dance was just plain cute. they messed up a couple times but it was so cute. nat hardly looked like she was dancing--she hardly lifted her knees when she was skipping and walked instead of marched, but in spite of this, she was the cutest...ok, i know i'm a little biassed, but she was really adorable.

then today was relief society...let's just say i'm beginning to dread sundays...everything gets thrown at me in this huge whirlwind of information, instruction, and today there were complaints too. i know i shouldn't let it get to me but i just feel so deflated. i had to teach today. i didn't do a very good job. i was too nervous. i just feel a sort of ache and have a lump in the back of my throat. most people are so nice and supportive, and others are just crabby and scary. i feel like i just made a fool out of myself and i don't want to go back. it is all so overwhelming. i don't how anybody does it. i have been pulled and stretched in so many directions, but i've only been doing this for about 3 weeks. it seems that all i ever write about is relief society. it is consuming my life. well, i've written a lot--hope it isn't too boring.

mic's big day

it is monday morning. i'm tired, my eyes are burning, i have cramps and the house looks as if a tornado hit. what am i going to do about it? i'm going to sit here at the computer and procrastinate the inevitable. procrastinate. it is a thing i like to do. i don't like to face my responsibilities sometimes. sometimes it just feels like too much. there are a couple problems with my plan: i don't really know what to write about, and i can't stand the mess.
mic's baptism was nice. i had to give the talk. i tried to get her to pick anyone else to no avail. you might think that to give a talk at a baptism is a pretty simple thing, but this was not the case for me. the ideas, concepts, and feelings were just not flowing together for me. so finally it came down to the last moment. i set my alarm and got up early on saturday morning to do it. this is not something i like to do. that is leaving too much to the last minute when other things come up and i feel pressure and not inspiration. but this time it was all i could do. i hoped that i would have the whole peaceful early morning factor to help me. it didn't quite work to plan. the girls were already awake. madelaine had slept over against my better judgement. then they greatly annoyed me by trying to get some things that they are not allowed to out of their closet. instead they dumped a bunch of stuff on the floor. they knew i was awake, but they asked brent because he was asleep and would agree to anything to get them to let him sleep. by the time that it was time to go i was still not completely done. then it turned out that i left my talk at home. so i had to wing the whole thing. i guess that is what i get for getting angry with heavenly father. but really the talk is probably the most insignificant part of a baptism so it didn't really matter. i felt reallly emotional, but was able to keep it in check. mic was so excited. it was a good day. even in spite of the in-laws. i feel like telling some of them about how much they let brent and mic down, but i probably won't. what good will it do? one of the best parts was when esther sang. the bishop turned the time over for short testimonies. dad (who was disappointed that he wasn't in the program) dough and jordan got up. dough said it was one of the first times for him to go to the baptism of a princess. madelaine looked rather indignant and said "dad! what about my baptism?" haha. dad read a poem that he'd written for mic. afterwards i asked him for a copy and he said "i don't think anyone liked it" silly guy. well, i am starting to ramble. i guess it is time to face my tasks

it has been a crazy week. way too busy. i even had to bow out of sister movie night, which was a shame because laura and bethany were in town last week. i hardly got to see bethany. on monday we went for a walk. it was such a beautiful night with a warm breeze.
i feel this urgency to get so many things done. i have a cold sore. i keep waking up way too early. it is so annoying! today for example: it is a holiday. no reason for me to be up early at all. so what happens? at 6 o'clock i come to consciousness and there is no slipping back into blissful unawares. yesterday (sunday) i woke at 7 and we have church in the afternoon... and so on. it is driving me crazy!
since i was up so early i went for a run. the weather network said "light rain." i'd really like to know what they define as heavy rain or even just regular rain. everytime i have gone running when it says that, it is pouring and i quickly get soaked. but it felt good--like a sort of cleansing of my mind--an outpouring of wisdom falling from the sky. haha. not being allowed to run sure makes me ache to do so. what can i say. i'm simple minded and reverse psychology works on me. i have been running somewhat tentatively for a couple weeks now. i found a really good website about shinsplints--strengthening and warming up the vulnerable areas. so at the beginning of my run, i look like i am severely disabled. you walk on your toes with toes pointed ahead, then pointed out and then--and this is where i look like i have a problem--with toes pointed in. then you do the same thing over walking on your heels. i can really feel the burn in the front of my shins when walking on my heels. then you do the same thing again while you skip. i don't yet have the nerve to do it when people are around. i know i literally look retarded.
yesterday was overwhelming. the bishop singled me out in the meeting. it was uncomfortable. later he told someone i was a scared little girl. and fact is: i have been feeling that way. but as i thought about it, i realized i'm never going to be able to do this properly if that is how i'm feeling. i need to believe that this calling is from the Lord and that He will help me to do it. easier said than done, but that is what i'm trying to do now. the rest of the presidency is already being very supportive. they are the ones that have all the wisdom. they have so many good ideas and solutions to anything that has been thrown my way. i know that they are the ones to be in these callings now and so by that thought process i need to believe that i am where i am supposed to be too.
well, delanie has just arrived. laura, her and i are going to coombs with the girls.

the day after...

first of all i'd just like to say that galaxy bars are really sweet. the meades brought me back one from england and i really can't eat very much of it. i actually willingly shared with nat. (usually i hide it from her when i'm eating chocolate and share somewhat reluctantly.) and brent ate more than half. (sorry sarah, i was trying to save it for sister movie night but brent got it out)

so my girls were very sweet for mother's day. mic made this flower that you turn and it says different things about me. not only did she say that she thought i was beautiful and that i love running, she also said that i love to sew and knit. haha. i'm guessing the teacher had a list of things they could write and mic didn't realize how uncrafty i am.
brent insisted that he had to go to pec which means we all go at 11:30 because choir is at 12. bill told him he might be out of town for a funeral and if so brent would have to go. i told brent to call just to make sure he wasn't home, but brent refused. he was sure he knew so much better than me. we drove into the church parking lot and there was bill's yellow convertible. arrrgh! then to make matters worse there was no choir. so we went an hour and a half early to church.

speaking of church, yesterday i was sustained and set apart as the relief society president. it was a time i had been dreading for some time. i'd feared a call in rs for awhile, but i was fearing being a teacher--not the one who has be in charge of running it all and teach every 3 months. i was really surprised when the bishop called me. i feel so inexperienced. the bishop is telling me stuff i just did not want to know if you know what i mean. he told me he sometimes he'll need someone to talk to and there are just 2 people he speak with: me and the stake president. and he wants me to counsel him. me. to counsel the bishop. ok. i can't continue in this vein because my heart is starting to pound and i can feel the adrenelin starting to flow. i haven't been able to sleep very well for awhile because of this.
so anyways, i knew it was all going to happen yesterday. i did not want the stares--i hate the spotlight. i told brent that i was going to sit in the back so no one would know where i was when they wanted to stare, but he said the bishop would ask where i was so i sat at our usual spot up at the front. i planned to use brent as shield and to slouch down in my seat. but no. even though bro shortinghuis started ripping through the names so fast i wasn't even sure he'd said my name (my full name with schofield...who's that?) then the bishop stopped him and said that he wanted us to stand. that was very uncomfortable for me and also very unnecessary. i think after living here for almost 8 years, everybody knows who i am. although who knows, there may be some that just know me as the clarke that married brent. it has happened before. as soon as sacrament meeting was over i was surrounded by well wishers and people wanting my email. for the rest of the day i got lots of congratulations, which to me is kind of a strange thing to say. congrats is what you say when someone has accomplished something--and it is usually something he/she desired to achieve. maybe it is their way of saying i support you. i hope so. being set apart was really a spiritual experience. i really felt sure then that i have the right counsellors--something i really struggled with. (sorry for using really so much but no other word is coming to mind) in my setting apart all my feelings of inadequacy were addressed. it was comforting. i tried hard to remember everything but at the end--after everyone else was set apart i couldn't remember very much and neither could brent. i was promised that i would draw very close to the Lord--closer than ever before. i'm looking forward to that part. i miss that closeness that is so easily maintained as a missionary.
today sharon came over and gave me all the books and her keys and told me everything i need to be aware of and need to do. oh oh. here comes the heart pounding adrenelin again. i'm going to stop. but if any of you come from wards where the new enrichment program has been implemented and running smoothly i'd like to know about how they're doing it. please. ok i have to go i'm starting to freak myself out again.

happy mother's day

my mother's day began when mic burst in at six in the morning asking brent if they could get started doing the "stuff." brent said no and she left for awhile but a little while later nat barged in. finally after repeated burstings in he gave in. so much for a luxurious sleep in. now i am banned to my bedroom but sleep fled a few burstings in previous, so i have the laptop. problem is i don't have everyone's addresses saved on the laptop. and it won't let me read laura's for some reason. it says the address doesn't exist. so i'm not left with much to do except for blogging. i smell turkey bacon. my stomach is full of butterflies. i am scared and nervous. on the one hand i am ready to let the cat out of the bag so i can be a little more open, but on the other hand, i'd like to keep the cat in the bag forever--until it suffocates and dies. time for me to go downstairs.

everytime we kneel to have family prayer nat says "hey, this doesn't look like a circle!" then mic says "so...." and starts to say something mean to nat to which i cut her off on. nat isn't satisfied until all our knees are touching. then she says let's sing the song. and we sing 'let us gather in a circle..." then nat and mic usually both plead with brent to let them say the prayer. it is a ritual. every day the exact same thing.
today i rode my bike to the arnotts to work out. brent has school on the days that i go and he refuses to ride his bike there so i rode mine. erin usually comes and picks me up but today she couldn't go and i didn't want to get out of the rhythm of going so i got my own way there. it wasn't that bad of a ride and doing something like that just makes me feel strong. plus it served the dual purpose of making brent feel bad. not that i want him to feel bad, but i do want him to open his mind up to the possibility of riding his bike to get places. i know that if he just got started doing it he would enjoy it. brent kept suggesting that i drive him to school so i can use the van. no way. too much time and too much gas. can you believe the prices of gas?! so just when i was finishing my workout he showed up and loaded my bike and trailer into the van. he finished a little early today because he had a test. hopefully that is a good sign.
stress and pressure and worry and feelings of inadequacy continue to simmer just below the surface. it is making me crazy!!

i bounced

i haven't gone running for over a month now. i started getting shin splints--which was a major ticker offer annoyance because i didn't do anything that could have caused it. you can get it from running harder and increasing your milage. hello. i ran a marathon. then i decreased my milage to a bare minimum and have done nothing more. something is just not right. anyways that's when i started bouncing. now i don't go for runs, i go for bounces. mom gave me her kangoo jumps and i must say i find it quite enjoyable. i get a few looks--but hey, that could just be my morning glow and not my footwear. my legs don't hurt at all when i'm using them and for some reason it is just easier to get out the door.
today i am feeling a little pleased with myself. i had some one on one time with michealah. i have felt that it was needed for a long time but i just didn't know how to do it. i just don't get to see her very much. back when brent worked in vancouver they used to take turns staying up with me but the other one always cried and missed her sister and felt left out of whatever we were doing. and that just seemed to be defeating the purpose (to make them feel unique and special to me) so i stopped doing that. eventually i thought of using brent and so today brent took nat out to buy a flower and planted it. (i have to admit though it was hard to let go of the control of my garden) and played with the letters with her. mic and i practiced her math flash cards, played math wars and go fish with them and then painted her nails. of course i had to do nats as well after. mic kept saying 'this is fun' so i feel successful. hopefully we can keep up this tradition.

save the last dance for me

today while i was making dinner brent came home and downloaded "save the last dance for me." he said that he heard it earlier today and that it reminded him of me. brent doesn't usually say such things and so it surprised me a little....actually quite a bit. it is so not his style and probably by tomorrow he'll deny ever saying it or downloading the song. i didn't get at first why it would make him think of me until i remembered the last gold n green ball. one of the williams' boys asked me to dance and brent reacted kind of funny. he was all apologizing for not dancing with me. he admitted that that is the reason why he thought of me with this song. silly boy. i asked, 'so it's ok if i let them hold me tight?' he said no rather emphatically. haha.
today we barbecued a roast. i didn't want to barbecue it but brent was in a barbecueing mood so i relented. it was ok, but it would have been better cooked in the crock pot. finally it is warm! yay!

i love sundays. funny, it seemed a year ago that one (namely karen) would be hard-pressed to find me in a good mood on sundays. i would always be filled with an angry, impatient sort of spirit at church. i don't even really know where it would come from--except for maybe not having enough time to prepare for church. but lately they have been just what they should be. today i feel as if a huge heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders. it is amazing. where did it go? i just felt so light happy and full of love for the people around me. i wish that i could feel like this all the time.
we invited deb brooks over for dinner. we had spaghetti, which for most people i feel comfortable serving, but this was deb. she has had us over for some truly amazing dinners and all we made when she came over is spaghetti. just spaghetti. no salad. no garlic bread. and plain chocolate cake for dessert. by plain i mean no icing on it. i felt a little sheepish having her over for such a meal. but of course she was very gracious. "i love spaghetti" she said emphatically. she is a very nice person. i don't know how she always seems to know something that our family needs and just gives it to us. she has good intuition i guess. i've been told that she likes me and i've heard of some of the nice things she's said about me and i'm always surprised. how have i caught her notice like that? brent loves bugging her. he is quite good at it. well...that's it. i hope you all had a good sunday.

the weakest link

tonight was the dreaded elder's quorum activity. dreaded because i was asked to participate in the game which was the weakest link. i did not want to do it. i hate being in those kind of situations--centre of attention type--especially when it involves competition--extra especially when it is a competition that involves church knowledge. i just can't help it if i know that stuff and i don't feel it is something to show off--which is something i always feel wary of in this ward for some reason. maybe it was because of attending institute classes on the book of mormon and dad was the teacher and i always knew all the answers and i don't like being a know-it-all. i agreed to do it because...i guess the idea of saying no didn't really seem like an option (but that just goes into my people pleasing problems and is a whole different entry in and of itself). but like i said earlier i really really did not want to be in it. the other contestants were tracy, michelle meade, tom the new guy from parksville, darrel walburger, deb brooks, susan, dad, paul meade, the bishop and myself. (delanie was also supposed to be in it but she was a no show--apparently she didn't really want to do it....ok...who did want to do it?) i asked everyone to vote me off, except for maybe tom the new guy. paul did and then he felt bad. "really it is ok. i really don't mind" i insisted, but he wouldn't do it. the bishop flatly refused and said he wanted to be the first to go. he was worried about being embarrassed. everytime it was my turn to answer the questions i got nervous. i did not want to look dumb--they weren't all church questions. so long story short (ok so it is not so short, but i'm not giving you the play by play am i?) i made it to the final 2. there was no strategy to my playing other than trying to get voted off. i voted for darrel twice hoping that he would seek revenge. instead he was voted the weakest link. and then i voted for dad--just because. i didn't think he was the weakest link and no one had voted for him, so i did. and he was voted off. i felt bad. he looked a little sad. anyways, i made it to the final 2. this was a disaster. how could everyone let me down like this? now i had to go head to head with deb brooks for 5 questions in front of everyone. and then we were tied and had to continue on. aaahhh! it was tortuous. in the end i lost which is actually good. (because of the whole know-it-all-clarke thing) and i got a pretty cool prize. i got a camel back. apparently it is a pretty good one. so hopefully i will like running with it. tomorrow we will have mary and madelaine for the whole day. madelaine i am used to. it is beginning to be a regular weekend thing. mary i am just not sure about. when dough asked me my first question was is she toilet trained? which really shouldn't be part of the issue, but the learning stage is just bad and i have to say i don't like taking kids on during that time....or the diaper stage if we are going to be perfectly honest. changing other kids poo is just gross. but i've come to really like having madelaine over. after i threatened that if nat was unhappy mad would go home, things changed and when i make them clean their room she is really good at it. things get done much quicker. well, it is another late night. i better go lie in my bed and think now.

i feel like it is time to update, but nothing is coming to my mind. my life is just not interesting. i need an outlet, but i just feel like i'm supposed to keep this to myself. i am not getting enough sleep. i stay up too late avoiding thinking about stuff. sometimes i wish i could just disappear into some sort of fantasy world where everything turns out right and i only have to watch or read and not do anything to make things unfold. i feel poised on the brink of big changes in my life and i'm just not sure if i should turn and run or jump in. the pressure to be who people think i am is overwhelming. how did i give them that impression? i'm just not that good and when i stay up late i'm even worse. my poor kids pay the price. arrgh! ok. enough reflection. i better get busy and distract myself.

last night i slept like a geisha

i had been having a yearning to have sarah do my hair--not cut or colour it, but do something with it--like give me a cool updo. so on sunday i mentioned that to her and it turned out her class this week was all about updos for prom. they were supposed have their clients come in and do a run through so there would be no surprises for prom night. and in typical jerkish fashion, sarah did not get booked. it really bugs me how she is treated there. but this time, it kind of worked to my advantage because sarah got to get her own model to practice on, and i was the chosen one. i got there a few minutes late and sarah was busy working on someone else. turns out that one of the stylists thought he could order her around and have her set one of his clients like she is some sort of subservient. they just don't deserve to have her there. anyways, sarah gave me a pretty cool updo and then i went home. it seemed like a waste to just go to bed when my hair looked so fancy, but there was nothing else to do so i slept geisha style and i think it was preserved. it is a little fuzzy but nothing that i little gel can't fix. so yeah...that is my interesting post...

the weekend

i've had a pretty busy/hectic weekend, but it has been mostly in a good way. a friend of mine from my long lost ysa days was visiting nanaimo. tania (was iwaasa but now is) armstrong. her brother was my district leader in my first area and my japanese companion had a crush on him, so he was soon transferred away. anyways, she married bob armstrong--marlene armstrong's son and they were in town for a visit. it was really nice seeing her and being updated on all my old friends. i found out about junko and herb. junko married derrick mc...... and lives in richmond. laura could you please please pleeeeassse get me her phone number? tania has 3 kids and the oldest one is just one month younger than nat so we met up at the park one day and on friday i picked mic up from school and met tania at the pool. (turns out that mic's ballet teacher that she has had for the last 3 years is bob's sister and an inactive member. i was so surprised! she knew i was a member and she never let on.) we stayed at the pool for over 3 hours. then we rushed home and got there just before brent got there. after brent had cleaned up--and by cleaned up i mean cleaned himself--we dropped the girls off at the meades to watch narnia and have a "half sleepover." we had a brief stopover at quizno's and then rushed off to port alberni. we were supposed to be there by 6 and brent didn't even get home until 5 so we had to hustle. brent had packed up the laptop for me to play with and watch a movie but i couldn't. the roads were just to windy: i felt sick. about half way there i confirmed to brent "you know how to get there right?" "no. i haven't been there since i was 16" (this actually wasn't true--he had gone there on a high counsel assignment) "well, i've never been there. how are we supposed to get there?" he handed me the phone and said call someone. i didn't know really who to call because jord and tracy had already left so i called dad. needless to say we didn't get very good directions and brent drove aimlessly around alberni. maybe he was hoping he would remember something--i don't know. it was frustrating because it started at 7 and i was worried we would miss it and we weren't getting anywhere. so then brent makes me call the chapel and ask for audrey to get directions. well i'm waiting for someone to find audrey, brent finds it and tells me to hang up. the alberni ward was hosting a festival of choirs and had invited a bunch of choirs from other churches. it was quite interesting. the catholic choir consisted of about 7 very elderly people. and another choir was 6 old ladies. in one choir the song kept repeating thank God i'm not....not what i used to be and the people would close their eyes and raise one hand up in the air. brent says that they do that to share the feeling they have with everyone else--sort of like an antenna. i know that i could be a little biassed but i think our choir had the best songs. audrey is really good at that sort of thing. we were the only other lds choir besides alberni ward's. the building was packed and probably 10 or more choirs sang. last of all, all the choirs sang together a song called the alleluia fugue. it was quite a powerful thing to be a part of. at the end there was a presenation for all the choir directors. someone in the back stood up and yelled "give God thanks" i heard a couple amens but after asking him to repeat himself the people conducting the meeting just continued on. afterall, we were just about to have a closing prayer and all the songs were also about praising and thanking the Lord. i just thought it was very presumptuous and rude of him to think he needed to correct the church in which he was a guest and to tell them how to do things. but who knows, maybe that is how things are done in his church. afterwards we snagged a few refreshments and then went home. i don't think it was the most fun date night especially for brent and actually, i'm surprised he went for it. the next morning mom phoned and invited us over for a pancake breakfast. as most of you know this is rather uncharacteristic of mom but eugene and kathy were visiting and she wanted some kids to come over to help them have fun. we stayed there for a few hours. it has been a long time since i have seen them, but they looked pretty much the same. they have a girl the same age as mic and an 11 year old that wasn't much taller than mic (they actually have the same name) that loves to play with little kids so she kept nat happy. they wanted to go to the pool. i was not really for this activity seeing as i spent all afternoon there the day before, but we ended up going. we didn't stay for as long, but the girls and i had fun. brent refused to swim with us. he slept in the van most of the time. too bad for him. he missed out and it bugs me that he can be so stubborn about such things. the girls aren't going to be like this for long. after swimming we were soo exhausted and hungry. we got pizza and put the girls to bed and then brent went to bed. i stayed up watching gilmore girls. i laughed outloud when they were arguing about who had bigger boobs. andrea was just like lauralei in this one: in denial. this morning brent got up before me. i can't remember the last time that has happened--especially on a sunday. but he got up and made the dough for the buns we're supposed to bring for potluck. we had to make a lot of buns. it isn't the normal sunday for potluck but mom did it because of eugene and kathy. we are having one again next week just for the twins birthday. talk about spoiled. laura, you should tell mom you are coming home 2 weeks after that for your birthday and see if she does a potluck for you. so it has been busy and now i'm at home thinking about the week ahead and i feel a weight. responsibilities can be so heavy.

nat-shabat: out of the mouth of babes...

these are a couple conversations that nat had when i was not there with a friend of mine who is taking the discussions but not progressing a whole lot.
nat: i'm my mommy's baby
erin: yeah. do you think your mommy's going to have another baby?
nat: yeah, but i'm excited for your baby. have you askedHeavenly Father to help you? Heavenly Father can help you have a baby.
(erin and joe have been unsuccessfully trying for over a year to have a baby--something that nat does not know)
nat: i want to show you something but my mommy said i have to stay in my chair.
erin: why don't you show me and then get back in your chair.
nat: ok.
she then got down from her chair and knelt down in front of erin. bowing her head and closing her eyes she said:
nat: this is how you talk to Heavenly Father. dear Heavenly Father, please help erin and joe to have a baby...
she proceded to say a prayer
nat: that is how to talk Heavenly Father. will you try it?
erin told me it was so beautiful she almost started crying. the next day nat said this to her:
nat: my dad told me that you can't live with Jesus and Heavenly Father unless you are baptized
(brent had taught her primary class and it was about baptism)
erin: i'm not baptized
nat: gasp...well you know what to do about that

in memory of last conference

i googled mic's name (because it has a unique spelling) to see if it showed one of my blogs. nope. it does show 3 of laura's though--one of them is a molly's life one. the same thing has been true with some of your nicknames--especially beth's. it makes me a little nervous. so much has been happening and so little is inspiring me to write about. we bought a laptop. this does not make me feel good. in fact it makes me feel ill. can we afford a laptop??! NO! do we need a laptop? not until september. it is required for brent's course he is taking then. there was no talking sense to the guy. he found the laptop he wanted and insisted it was a good deal and he would never find anything better and he could get the software from the school early and start playing around with it now blah blah blah blah. i never fell for it--not one little bit. why is it that i always cave? he just persists and bugs and pouts until i finally give in. and i was sooo determined not to give in this time because it is really something i am against. we went to future shop just so he could show me the laptop--he wasn't trying to push me to buy it at that moment and the salesguy worked his magic and now we have a laptop. and now i have to start at scratch at saving some money to pay for mic's ballet. ballet season is almost over and i still haven't paid for it. arrrggh!
on other news...i went to a piano concert tonight at the port theatre. we had really good seats--6 rows back and right in line with his hands. it was interesting but somewhat torturous. torturous because i can't sit still. i think it is a skirt thing. i cross one leg then i cross the other then i cross at the ankles--back to crossing one leg etc. i swear nobody else in front of me or beside moved a muscle during these really long pieces he was playing. how do they do it? it was interesting to see his facial expressions and apparently he sang along as he played--but i couldn't hear it. for one song he actually pounded the piano with his fist repeatedly. he really played with expression. does everyone get a standing ovation these days? it seems like it to me...as well as an encore performance. it has become the norm. well i've got to get to bed so that i'll make it for my run tomorrow morning.

i heard this song and it really captured how i feel about my girls:

Every night i kneel beside you
and whisper in your dreams
and tell you just how much i love you
just how much you mean
then you grow older before my eyes.

Every morning you stand before me
and welcome me inside
that world of yours that's ever changing.
a lifetime of surprise

And there you stand, the boy i love
just like you are, just like i love.
Say goodbye to the boy of yesterday
and goodnight to the little things that we once knew.
Then say good morning to you.

Everyday my love grows stronger,
but like the river's song,
whispering that i can't stay longer
it's time to move along
and say goodbye a million times.

For here you sleep
this child i love.
Say goodbye to yesterday,
and goodnight to the little things that we once knew
I'll love the man that tomorrow brings
by saying goodbye to the boy i love today

by john canaan

that last line is the hardest for me. my girls are so precious and i just wish they would stay like this forever. i wish that i could just have this time permanently etched in my mind. i try, but the memories still slip away. i can remember some things about michealah and some of her cute quirky things that she did when she was 4 but the 7 year old michealah has replaced the 4 year old. she promised me she would stay 4. in some ways i wish she could have. i remember when she was a baby i would look at her in the mirror as i carried her asleep to bed and i was always struck by how fast she was growing--by how far her legs hung down. now if i were to carry her, her legs wouldn't be all that far off the ground! i hate how busy we get living our lives and getting things done that we take the people around us that we love for granted. i mourn for those lost opportunities.

i finally did it

i have a very sore butt. that is because it is thursday. thursday is one of my weight training days. so is tuesday. my butt wouldn't be sore if i actually went and did weights every thursday. fact is i haven't gone since november. fact is i took being pregnant as a good excuse to stop going. fact is i could never motivate myself to go. fact is, marilla, that i needed karen to get me to finally go. so i finally got someone to go with me so that i would not be able to back out. funny, even as i was making the "appointment" i was thinking in my head 'noooo i don't want to go' so today i finally went and i already have a sore butt. all the running i have done could not have saved me. speaking of behinds and running, nat asked me why people's bums move when they walk. then she demonstrated to me a hip-swaying kind of walk. i write a lot about my exercise...i wonder why. today was the enrichment relief society party. we were all supposed to bring a 5 dollar or less gift that reflected one of our talents. i thought about this for some time and couldn't think of anything to bring. i don't have one of those outward types of talents--like sewing or knitting or scrapbooking or being crafty at all. sure, i run, but what can one bring related to that? a bottle of yucky gatorade? so i struggled. i asked brent and he was no help at all. then today i called delanie to see what she was bringing...and then i remembered that i can speak a second language. how is it possible that i could spend sooo much time developing this talent and then completely forget it? i guess it is because i don't use it. that talent is covered with dust in some back closet. i wish i could use it more. now i'm so rusty that i have little confidence when talking to someone. i always think that they must be thinking...why is she trying? i would understand her better in english...haha maybe i think that way because i would often think that in japan. i hated it when people would speak to me in their broken english. (once i knew japanese that is) i think i took it as a bit of an insult that they thought they needed to use english--that my japanese wasn't good enough. then on the other hand, i hated it when missionaries said i was a good missionary because i was so good at japanese. i wanted to be a good missionary for other reasons--speaking the language well does not make you a good missionary. i miss japan. i want to go back. if brent got a good job there i would really consider it. this is the longest i have been away. i wish it wasn't so hard to go there.

"if you don't find it in the index, look very carefully throughout the entire calalog"

that is from the sears roebuck catalog which is quoted in the sisterhood of the traveling pants. at the beginning of every chapter there are little quotes and that one just hit my funny bone. i stayed up waaaay too late last night reading the book. i kept saying 'just one more chapter' but it just didn't work that way. when i went to bed (there were no more chapters, if you know what i mean) i encountered the laundry basket full of clothes, or more importantly brent's work pants that needed to be washed and dried before work the next morning. arrgggg! i had totally forgotten about them! originally when i had seen how late it was, i had decided that it was too late for me to get up early for my run, but now i had to choose: stay up now and wait for the washer to finish and throw his pants in the dryer or get up early for my run and do it then. i opted for the getting up early--hoping that i would actually be able to just go back to sleep. i really did sincerely try. i hardly opened my eyes as i transferred the laundry to the dryer, kept all the lights off etc, but it was no use. i was awake. so i succumbed to my wakefulness and went for my run. you'd think that getting way too little sleep would affect my run, but that just isn't how it works. in fact i think i clocked my fastest time ever for 3 miles. the lack of sleep will just affect the rest of my day. i feel sluggish now. it is such a beautiful morning. that is partially to account for my not being able to sleep in. i just can't sleep when it is sunny and the birds are singing. the neighbour who always takes mic to school wasn't there this morning. hello! thanks for the warning! so nat got dressed in record time and the girls rode their bikes to school. i pretty much pushed nat the whole way becuase she just can't ride fast enough yet on her new little bike. but all that was ok because it was beautiful and sunny out and in spite of my lack of sleep, my head couldn't help but fill with the possibilities on such a day. there is much to do and i have to figure out how to cook a whole chicken so that it won't be yucky to brent and me who only eat boneless skinless chicken breast....is it possible? we shall see. gotta go.

ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAREN!!!!

i love spring break! i really think that i enjoy and appreciate it more now than i did when i went to school. it has just been so nice to not have to go any where and to have mic home all day. i've had a lot less nat time because she doesn't need me when she has mic. but i've had mic time during nat's naps. i just feel like we've bonded a lot this week. i made a list of chores that needed to be done and the girls each picked one a day. they were actually excited to do them--except that they had to clean their room first. it really has been helpful. it just feels like there isn't enough time to give mic chores when she is at school. 3 out of the five days she doesn't get home until almost 5 and i just want her to have down/play time. she still has to eat dinner and do at least 20 minutes of homework before bed at 7:30. and that isn't counting working on her math with her. is it just me or is she just too crazy busy? she is only 7 afterall. anyways...only a few more months until summer holidays. except for after that nat will be going to school too. we went swimming for family home evening. it was really fun. usually when we go to the pool i can't wait for the time to pass so we can go but we all had a good time. maybe because the girls are getting older. mic wanted to go down the slide but brent insisted that he was too big and that he gets stuck. he would not hear me at all when i told him he was thinking of the other pool. after a rather roomy ride down where i sat up the whole time i convinced him to come up and he went up really reluctantly. he ended up really liking it. then another night brent made popcorn and we all watched a movie together. i guess it doesn't sound like that much but we were just able to be all together a lot--even brent because he actually was home at the same time every evening. yes. for those of you that haven't heard yet, brent is not working for stoneart any more. mic is reading this right now and she said "he isn't?" so it isn't necessary a well-known fact. so we are back to square one with what brent is going to be when he grows up. aaaahhh! grow up already! well maybe we are not at square one, we are at square 2. right now he is thinking of going back to school and getting an advanced diploma...but i just don't want anymore student loan debt! so we'll see. the police thing still looks good to me. it just seems more secure and more immediate..but it doesn't use his education.
i have a problem: when i see dvds on sale i can hardly resist buying them. if it is one i like and it is on sale--we're talking 10 bucks or less it takes a great deal of will power to walk away and then the deals still haunt me and i consider going back to go get them. it just seems more worth my while to buy then to pay to rent one. but i am amassing too many dvds as of late--because i found mtm sells them really cheap. well this is really taking the form of a long rambling, so i'm going to stop.

last weekend brent and i went to the temple with laura. laura gave up driving with her friends and being with them in the temple to take brent and me. we went over to vancouver friday night and so we got to see a bit of the "big city." brent wanted to go out to eat there so we made sure we caught an early enough ferry. then when it was time to choose where to go he was all non-committal and without a care where we went...or so he said. so, having read so many accounts of laura's yummy outings, i chose thai. brent still attempted to put up the front of he didn't care, but apparently he did care if i chose thai food because he was not familiar with it. i was confident that he would like it so i dismissed his little comments such as "i know this all you can eat sushi place in richmond" (what?? he doesn't even like sushi) or "how about there?" pointing to a indian restaurant, "what about red robins?" once he resigned himself that we were going out for thai, we discussed whether to go downtown or metrotown. once again brent claimed to have no opinion but as we drove downtown he kept saying things like "if we go to metrotown, we can look for new shoes for me" and "you need more hairstuff--we should go to metrotown." as it turned out, brent really liked what he ordered and so was satisfied. he got a little bored as laura and i wandered around some shops--but that would have happened in metrotown too. but i know my man and what keeps him happy. so on the way home we went to a gelato place. they make many an interesting flavour there. the idea is to browse and taste as many flavours as grabs your interest. i think brent tried 2 at the most before choosing his cone. he isn't into browsing or even being that adventurous at that. he got vanilla chocolate chip and hedgehog. laura and i tried (among others) kimchi...it was...yucky. it tasted like freezer burnt cabbage mixed with a slightly spicy garlicky aftertaste. my discovery was chocolate basil. it was surprisingly yummy. the basil really complimented the chocolate. i had that with hedgehog. it was a good combo and the chocolate basil got yummier and yummier as i ate it. brent was done before laura and i had even chosen our flavours, so he got another one. this one was...vanilla chocolate chip and vanilla chocolate chip....he finds what he likes and sticks with it. the owner, who according to karey and elicia is always grumpy, was in a very friendly mood and brent had a little chat with him about the different flavours. the grossest one he's ever made was chocolate truffle with smoke salmon. he's also done bacon and eggs. he'll do any flavour you ask him to.
laura and i were able to get to sleep at a relatively decent time, but the 7:30 alarm woke me with a jolt. laura got straight into the shower, but now i was awake with my morning bladder. to make matters worse, the cat allergies were closing in on me. so i got up and wandered around the living room, kitchen and laura's room desperately looking for something to blow my nose with, but there was nothing. it was tortuous waiting for laura to finish. we stopped at the dutyfree shop on the way down to skip through the long line. we listened to vinyl cafe. i was sitting in the back and got on laura's nerves by saying what all the time. at the temple we saw a boy of interest to bethany. he was much smaller than i had imagined, but puny seems to be a draw for her. it has been a long time since i went to such a late session and i was a little worried that we would miss a ferry, but instead it turned out to be very relaxing to just go at our pace. the session was packed and we were all in the back row (including wee boy of previous interest to a certain long cylindrical green vegie) the advantage of being in the back was that we were to first to... move on if you will. the disadvantage to a later session is that all the good food is gone when you hit the cafeteria. the entree that i wanted was gone and i made the mistake of just ordering a different one when it was clearly not something i would really like. ahh well. next time i'll know better and i'll have a plan b before i order. in spite of a long line at the border we got back with time to spare for catching the ferry. sot i requested that we get my watch that i'd left on laura's dresser. i live by my watch. i need it. just after we passed the exit to go to tswassen we got stuck in traffic because of an accident so we didn't have enough time to go back to catch the ferry. laura drove us all the way to horseshoe bay. that is a long way out of her way. she didn't complain. that is the kind of girl laura is. there is just something about going to the temple...it is not like i felt any strong feelings while i was there, yet there has just been more peace in my heart and in my home since going. i don't always notice it, but it has been along time since we've been able to go, so i guess it stands out more. i love to see the temple.